Thursday, January 2, 2014

Love Sucks a Big, Hairy Eyeball

This morning I received a scathing email from one of my readers, upset that I WAS (did you catch the tense) dating a married man.  Yes, I'm still in love with him.  Does that make me a terrible person?  Maybe.  But the list goes on . . . and apparently I'm here to be transparently honest--to the point of full-on confession!  So--happy freakin' New Year, people--since someone already cast the first stone, how about I throw some for the team?

For the days when you'd just like to jump off a cliff.

Who is EC Stilson?  (yep. that's still me.)

1. I've killed my own child.
2. I've said "yes" to a proposal and then taken off with the ring the next day.
3. I've been the "other woman."
4. I've lied.
5. I've cheated at cards.
6. Once I peed in a church.
7. Once I said "shit" in a church.
8. Once I farted and blamed it on the fat kid next to me (everyone believed the lie.)  **This DID NOT happen in church.**
9. I killed a rabbit--and I would have shot a deer, but none showed up.
10. I got implants and . . . they weren't in my mouth.  (Rachelle21 inspired that line--she's soooooo awesome!)


Wanna cast some more stones?  Go ahead.  How about we examine the list, shall we?

1. I've killed my own child.
Most of you already know this story, but here goes anyway.  
He was on life support.  It was the toughest decision of my life.  So yeah, I was responsible for my own kid's death.  And it was the kindest flippin' thing I could do.  And sometimes I still get choked up about it because he meant the world to me--and I would have given my own life, to give him the ability to breathe as I watched him suffocate for time-on-end.  And STILL people criticize this decision--like they could have done better.

2. I've said "yes" to a proposal and then taken off with the ring the next day. 
It saved us some divorce fees! AND I mailed the ring back a while later.  He probably even made interest on it!

3. I've been the other woman.
I fell in love with someone else going through a divorce, so sue me.  And it was romantic and exciting . . . until I found out his divorce wasn't going through.  Then I nearly died because I'd just gone through so much to feel betrayed and lied to . . . again.
THEN when things went sour, I didn't want to be one of those desperate girls who texts someone constantly, so I took out my OWN cell phone battery, went to the post office and mailed the stupid thing TO MYSELF.  I. Am. Such. An. Idiot.  AND I miss my phone.  The battery was supposed to arrive today, but I think it's lost in Bermuda.  Or maybe it went where all the lost trinkets and socks go?  So now I have a broken heart and I don't even know what time it is--or what precise time my heart fully broke at--who uses a watch when they have a cell anyway!
    And all I want to do is curl into a ball and cry on my un-vacuumed carpet (why doesn't it just vacuum itself--I'm at the end of my rope!) as I try forgetting the rude emails I got today about the sin of "dating a married man."  
    Okay--I suck.  Thank you!

4. I've lied.
A lot, but not on this blog. NEVER on this blog. *winks

5. I've cheated at cards.
Suckers! Wait, then why did I still end up losing . . . *facepalm

6. Once I peed in a church.
Have you heard they even have bathrooms in Heaven?

7. Once I said "shit" in a church.
And then Jesus laughed.  And a chorus of angels sang as another angel got her wings . . . and they were brown like goose feathers or . . . .

8. Once I farted and blamed it on the fat kid next to me (everyone believed the lie.)
Wait. . . .  There's no coming back from this one.  Maybe I should friend him on Facebook and send him a giftcard?  Would that atone for the sin?  The card will be from Starbucks and everything!

9. I killed a rabbit--and I would have shot a deer, but none showed up. 
That rabbit will be waiting for me--with a baseball bat--at Heaven's gates.  And the rabbit shalt be ten feet tall.  And it shalt smite me with its laser vision.  (Ya know, like on X-Men.)  And then I wilt know the vengeance of bunnies EVERYWHERE.  Bwa-ha-ha.  
Ummm. . . . 
Sorry I got a bit carried away on this one. . . .

10. (The REAL #10) I left a good friend when he needed me most.
I was scared for my life.  And yet, I will never, ever forgive myself.  We all carry our burdens.  Now you know my biggest ones.


So if anyone else would like to kick me while I'm down, go for it.  
Kick. Kick.  Don't it feel good? . . . Said no one who's currently being kicked.
I know I don't always make the best choices.  And the worst sins are those that hurt others (yep, I got a few of those).  Plus, my stupid excuses won't cover my sins.  I guess that's what Jesus died for.  Maybe it's time for me to pray and buy that one kid a giftcard--just for old time's sake.

Signing off,
The Biggest Sinner on Earth--for the fifth consecutive year in a row--Elisa

25 comments:

  1. No kicks from me. I can't cast stones as I feel I would deserve boulders in return! Hey, that's a great quote, I hope no one else has said it! Happy New year EC!!!! You'll have to do The BTS Radio Show again this year!

    ReplyDelete
  2. I killed a rabbit, too. Archery. 13 years old. Switched to using cameras.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Hey life happens, it is about learning from the journey and all of it is important. As a good friend of mine says in his song, The ones that matter most, are the ones that stick around.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Geez! What's wrong with people! We all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. You are absolutely right! That is what Jesus died for! I remember Someone once talking about taking planks out of eyes... I love that you are honest on your blog and in your books. You give us the real you. Not some made up fancy version of who the blogosphere of "perfect" women think you should be. Carry on, my sister!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Happy New Year E.C. I bought your book when it first came out and have followed your blog for years. I know you're crazy cool (that's a good thing, btw). Take a deep breath and begin figuring things out. They do get better. Hard to believe with all the crap that's piled on top of you, but they do. Just take that deep breath and find a positive attitude. That can get you through the worst. I'm here if you need me.
    -E

    ReplyDelete
  6. You get the 2013 MEGA award for bravery. I salute you, mate!!!
    And a big FAT raspberry to the person who trashed you - so there!!

    Books for kids - Skype Author Visits
    http://www3margotfinke.com

    ReplyDelete
  7. I don't think I'd still be here, in this capacity, if I hadn't listened to Maya Angelou: "You did then what you knew how to do, and when you knew better, you did better." Take care of yourself. It will get better.

    ReplyDelete
  8. I think you are still in amateur status for biggest sinner on Earth, and who's keeping score anyway? Chin up, how boring their lives must be if all they can do is watch you.

    ReplyDelete
  9. You're my kind of person. Jesus' kind of person, too. Hugs to you-

    ReplyDelete
  10. I'm so sorry! People are crazy! You are HUMAN and you are BEAUTIFUL! Don't give those people one more ounce of your energy. Keep going! Hugs to you!

    ReplyDelete
  11. You are ABSOLUTELY the nicest rotten person I know!! It's 4:22 in California right now.

    ReplyDelete
  12. I'm so sorry! People are crazy! You are HUMAN and you are BEAUTIFUL! Don't give those people one more ounce of your energy. Keep going! Hugs to you!

    ReplyDelete
  13. I'm gonna inbox you...

    (But for the record... I'm wondering how you got the implants on a budget, cuz I have this baby belly that I would LOVE to get rid of...)

    ReplyDelete
  14. I'll where rubber clown shoes and give you a kick, then you can just bounce around and have fun, that work? lol I've cheated at cards before, I won too, yippee lol it's only cheating if you get caught, right?

    ReplyDelete
  15. As Shelly said, you're my kind of person and you bring me joy through your writing and I really appreciate that. Enjoyed your blog today and your honesty and humor. You'll always have a friend in NC

    ReplyDelete
  16. Haters gonna hate. Don't worry about what other people think. Do what's right for you. At the end of the day, that's really going to be the only thing that counts.

    I'm not an overly spiritual person, so I'm not here to judge via commandments or sermons. I judge by what my gut tells me is right, and it doesn't give me any vibes other than you're an awesome person just trying to make her way in this whacky world.

    ReplyDelete
  17. My neighbor was criticized for not allowing tube feeding for her daughter who was in coma foe over ten years after an auto accident. People are just simply cruel.

    ReplyDelete
  18. I came across your post from a share on FB. My daughter has severe epilepsy. Her last really major seizure lasted 4 hours. The doctors told me they gave her more meds than they would have given a grown man. She's 6 and just over 30 pounds. I often wonder if she will have a seizure that she won't come back from and I will be responsible for ending her suffering. I think that may be the bravest sacrifice a mother can make. Forget the haters, live the best life you can. Happy New Year! May it be the better than the last.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Middle Child, You is good. You is smart. You is pretty. You is kind.

    Love,
    Your Mother From Another Planet

    ReplyDelete
  20. If I could find the words that expressed just how much I admire you, I'd write them in all caps and in bold neon colors. It's just simply true

    ReplyDelete
  21. You're human. Go figure!
    People make good and bad decisions on a regular basis. And how many of us actually admit to them? Kudos to you and best of luck for an awesome year!

    ReplyDelete
  22. My dad killed a bear. Does that mean a bear is going to be waiting for him at the pearly gates?

    Hey, we all screw up, so nobody should cast stones. Ever!

    Hugs!

    ReplyDelete
  23. pee in the pew EC?

    ReplyDelete
  24. I am sure #11 was inserting "bigger than Milwaukee" in Slamdunk's choice phrases. Everyone in my circle up this way will never forgive you.

    Hang in there sinner.

    Signed, Another Sinner.

    ReplyDelete
  25. Yeah, well... I once tricked my little sister into: eating sour cream, because I said it was ice cream; thinking she'd just received a credit card when it was just a useless piece of plastic; thinking she was adopted and then saying her real mom was a cow; eating an jalapeno pepper because I said it tasted good; speeding up the car so that the pop she was drinking spilled all over her face. And not to mention, threatening to make her fiancé "bleed from every orifice", and vowing to pee all over her bathroom walls for exposing the intimate details of my restroom habits on her blog. I kind of think you have an abundance of good karma coming, EC, if only for the things listed above.

    ReplyDelete