Tuesday, January 21, 2014

My Butt's Sagging!

If you have an aversion to honesty, please don't read this post.

There are two types of women in this world.  Girls either have great butts or great boobs.  AND if they have both (without surgery) they're freaks of nature and I can't associate with them. :)
 

    But seriously, I've been proud of my behind.  Once a guy said we couldn't date because I had no boobs; I took pride in the fact that as I walked away, he looked at my good side--and I hope he regretted being a jerk!
    Yesterday, I donned a pair of fancy, albeit second-hand, jeans, and after glancing in the mirror, I gasped.  My butt is starting to sag!  Sure I'll be thirty-one in February, but does this really need to happen now?  Can't I have my butt for a few more weeks?
 
    In total sadness, I yelled to my daughter for reassurance. "Is it honestly sagging?"
    "Well, no. But it does look different since the pictures of before I was born."
    "Of course it does! I was eighteen and now I'm almost thirty-one."
    "Not because of that," she said, and I thought she might save herself before saying, "it's because when people have lots of kids, your hips spread."
    "Five . . . kids."
    "Yeah," she laughed and I LEFT THE ROOM. I've given my kids EVERYTHING and in return they took my butt away!
    Then I called my mom.  For any of you who've read The Golden Sky, you know my mom loves water, but I hate it. Anyway I called and she said, "I told you, you should be drinking more water."
    "Oh, you. You'll say anything to get me drinking water."
    "You've still been walking up the stairs a lot, right?" she asked and after saying 'yes' I hung up.
    So, it's time to have a funeral for my 'good part.'  Maybe I should wear butt pads--then the world will have no idea the joke's on them!  Guys will check out my stuffing and I'll giggle--since it's only toilet paper.  
    Or is it simply time to use wrinkle cream--and exercise?  
 

    I tried some butt exercises yesterday where you're supposed to walk on your tip-toes, squat, and flex your cheeks separately with each step. I looked out my front window and a neighbor guy--who wears sweats in the summertime--stared like I'm the idiot. Doesn't he know my butt is sagging--and although it's not a big deal to anyone else it's a sign that I'm aging, mortal, dramatic, and I could die at anytime. 

For the sake of humanity--please let these butt flexes save my naturally good part.
In the name of Jesus,
Amen.

20 comments:

  1. always been a butt man myself. Have a blog on the subject and everything. But this is a family channel.....

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  2. LOL it sucks to get old, learning that more and more this year. Agree with the water, nasty. Just walk a ton and your butt should be fine at least until 40, then nothing can help you haha

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  3. Ha ha ha, it gets worse when your elbows start to sag as well :)

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  4. That image of Richard Simmons will haunt my dreams forever.

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  5. You have my every sympathy. I always joke that whilst some women have legs that go on up to their bottom, I have a bottom which goes on down to my legs.Oh, AND my boobs are nothing to write home about either (sighs) I'm guess I'm just one of those people who will have to rely on their personality.

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  6. Just be glad you don't have floppy upper arms that wave goodbye when you do!

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  7. I'm with Josh, I was going to write something sympathetic but all thoughts have been erased thanks to that Richard Simmons image. That's one for the nightmares.

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  8. Oh man, I am laughing so hard! Lucky for you, for the butt it is much, much easier than for the boobs to fight the battle of gravity - I know, I have tried. Keep on those butt exercises, they will work, I promise. Now, for sagging boobs- going under the knife is best but (if you read my latest post) that is definitely out for me!! Good Luck and may the perky butt win!

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  9. Well, I went for my physical today and found out I've shrunk an inch. Other than that it was all good. And you, dear Elisa, you are way too good to get caught up in this beauty/boobs/butt mania that holds women of the good of USA back.

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  10. I meant to say Good Old USA above.

    I loved the picture of the Hippie! Thank you so much, but you know, my hair is not that color, my hair is a gray/white weird color. It looks different in the picture.

    At the aforementioned doctor's office there was a magazine for young girls and the cover girl looked sooo much like the Hippie, but I think the Hippie looks better. Has better and prettier hair.

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  11. Your butt is not sagging! Cut it out. You can't do this to me because if your butt is sagging, then mine is ready to drag on the ground.

    Love,
    Your Mother from Another Planet

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  12. You are too funny!! I love how you have put this and you are making me laugh which is funny!! I have been told I had a great butt too!! I know mine is loosing its umph!!! I have never heard about not being able to have a great butt and boobs!! Rita Spratlen rjspratlen@gmail.com

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  13. YOU TAKE BACK! Angelina Jolie DOES NOT wear butt Pads!

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  14. Dear Elisa, you know as you age you'll meet facial wrinkles--and chin hair! You meet spreading waistline and knobby knees! But if your breasts are small then they probably won't sag due to gravity! So rejoice. Peace.

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  15. I have a rocking rack, but my butt is nothing fantastic. So good news, our friendship is safe. :)

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  16. You are welcome to drop by here. With all the snow we have been having, I have been spending hours pulling little kids around the yard in their sleds. They would be glad to see someone else "exercising" with old dad.

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