Tuesday, January 21, 2014

My Butt's Sagging!

If you have an aversion to honesty, please don't read this post.

There are two types of women in this world.  Girls either have great butts or great boobs.  AND if they have both (without surgery) they're freaks of nature and I can't associate with them. :)
 

    But seriously, I've been proud of my behind.  Once a guy said we couldn't date because I had no boobs; I took pride in the fact that as I walked away, he looked at my good side--and I hope he regretted being a jerk!
    Yesterday, I donned a pair of fancy, albeit second-hand, jeans, and after glancing in the mirror, I gasped.  My butt is starting to sag!  Sure I'll be thirty-one in February, but does this really need to happen now?  Can't I have my butt for a few more weeks?
 
    In total sadness, I yelled to my daughter for reassurance. "Is it honestly sagging?"
    "Well, no. But it does look different since the pictures of before I was born."
    "Of course it does! I was eighteen and now I'm almost thirty-one."
    "Not because of that," she said, and I thought she might save herself before saying, "it's because when people have lots of kids, your hips spread."
    "Five . . . kids."
    "Yeah," she laughed and I LEFT THE ROOM. I've given my kids EVERYTHING and in return they took my butt away!
    Then I called my mom.  For any of you who've read The Golden Sky, you know my mom loves water, but I hate it. Anyway I called and she said, "I told you, you should be drinking more water."
    "Oh, you. You'll say anything to get me drinking water."
    "You've still been walking up the stairs a lot, right?" she asked and after saying 'yes' I hung up.
    So, it's time to have a funeral for my 'good part.'  Maybe I should wear butt pads--then the world will have no idea the joke's on them!  Guys will check out my stuffing and I'll giggle--since it's only toilet paper.  
    Or is it simply time to use wrinkle cream--and exercise?  
 

    I tried some butt exercises yesterday where you're supposed to walk on your tip-toes, squat, and flex your cheeks separately with each step. I looked out my front window and a neighbor guy--who wears sweats in the summertime--stared like I'm the idiot. Doesn't he know my butt is sagging--and although it's not a big deal to anyone else it's a sign that I'm aging, mortal, dramatic, and I could die at anytime. 

For the sake of humanity--please let these butt flexes save my naturally good part.
In the name of Jesus,
Amen.