Sunday, April 10, 2011

The Golden Stream and Some Dirty Laundry

I stuffed laundry into the washer. 

I shoved in as many towels as I could because Cade would be home and I didn't want him thinking I'm a slacker who writes all day.  The Zombie Elf pleaded with me.  "Pee pee.  No spank.  Mama say, no!  No!"

"You need to go potty?"  I took off his pants.  "Run, baby.  Come back and I'll put your pants on again.  There's no spank."  The Zombie Elf is a smart little boy.  I grinned as his naked butt bounded toward the stairs.  He growled at the door, punched it, then jumped from my sight.  "Just don't pee on the floor and walls again!"  Lately I've learned that little boys are a whole different breed.  If I have to clean pee off the wall--ONE MORE TIME!  Isn't it enough they can pee standing?  Do they need to show off to the world?  I'm not saying I'm jealous, it's that the kid needs to perfect his aim or . . . I'm going to die.

Anyway, I stuffed in more towels--a miracle in itself--and when I turned around, The Zombie Elf was back like a boomerang.  I put my hands on my hips.  "You're fast, but you're not that fast.  Go potty!"  I motioned toward the door, shooing my toddler the same way I'd treat a dog.

He wouldn't have any of that, and pointed to some dirty towels by my feet.  "Dirty?"  He cocked his head and widened his eyes like a confused pigeon.  "Dirty?  Dirty.  Dirty." 

"Yes, parrot boy!  Those towels are dirty, now run to the potty so there's no spank."  I threw in some soap and shut the lid,  so happy I'd fit half the towels in. I wanted to celebrate and do one of those Irish jigs on the washer.  I imagined Cade coming home. He'd take a shower and when he asked for a towel he'd get a hot one that smelled spring fresh!  I smiled about that, because being a mom has its little victories every day.  Sometimes, if you play the "spring fresh" card, you can feel like a super hero . . . who can't fly.  That's how I felt then, thinking how Cade would congratulate me about the towels AND dinner, but my joy was short-lived.

Things turned sour when I heard A WATERFALL CASCADING BEHIND ME!  I heard it first, then felt it on my foot.  I gasped, stared at the golden stream, then turned my eyes to the noise maker--The Zombie Elf!

His hands rested on the small of his back.  He peed with excitement.  "Laundry dirty.  Laundry sooo dirty," he chanted and sprayed circles across my favorite towels, the ones that were going to make Cade love me.  I gasped, but my boy didn't care that I'd reached super hero status and fallen back to mortality once again.  A smile lit his face and he giggled, actually giggled.

"What are you doing!"

"Mama say 'go potty.'  I go potty."  He finished, did a little shake, jump thing and said, "Towels so dirty."  His smile reached across his face; his eyes sparkled and for the life of me, I couldn't stay mad even though he's my kryptonite.  He ran away and it's horrible, but as his naked butt vanished from the room, I couldn't help but smile too.

So, The Zombie Elf peed on his first pile of laundry and I realized super heros who can't fly aren't that great anyway.

I still can't believe my boy.  At least I needed to wash those towels anyway.


  1. LOL. I know if/when we have a boy, he will be just like that!

  2. With a young BOY toddler on my hands too, I can't even begin to imagine the tribulations of potty training! My gut says this won't be the last pile of towels that get peed on...

    Oh, and I love the statement about how you needed to quickly get on task, so your husband wouldn't think you were slacking/writing all day. I feel that same way most everyday! Glad to know I'm not the only one.

    Baby Talk without the Babble

  3. ROFL!
    Really, I have no words.

  4. SO FUNNY! That reminds me, I too need to do some laundry.

  5. Oh my gosh! So funny! I've been away from blogger for a month or so...I've missed stuff like this :) Thanks for the laugh!

  6. Boys are the things good laughs are made of.. Not that girls to make us laugh but really. I NEVER had to tell my girl not to drop trough and pee on laundry. However my boys... well I can realate to this story. lol

  7. Hopefully the towels won't have streaks of yellow that stain them. When my brother's were still living at home, they were too lazy at night to go to the outhouse. So they opened up the window to our second story house and peed out the window. Every summer my Dad cleaned the streams of yellow that had ran down the side of the house not knowing where they came from. At least you know where your yellow streams came from.. Your little one is young, my brothers were in their teens! That side of our house always smelled a little rank. Hope your towels don't smell!

  8. Women! Always jealous of the particular dexerity with which a man, or male zombie elf, can direct his stream. I would have you know my daughter taught herself to projectile vomit if left in the crib more than five minutes when she didn't want to go to bed. The other one chose using the contents of her soiled diaper as finger paints to show us how displeasing we were. I guess the main difference is the male might accidental make a mess occassionally, while the female does it with malicious intent. Go zombie elf, show them your a man. Water the world like a sprinkling system.

  9. I find it interesting that this is a post about laundry, yet there is no mention of what happened to Cade's favorite sweater or perhaps what happened to his whites. hahahaha sometimes not all things go on a blog, eh? lol

  10. Shane-
    NO more pee on the bathroom walls! I think The Zombie Elf read your comments on previous posts ;)
    Do you remember what you wrote:
    "At my sisters house (EC Writes herself)… From
    now on, pee all over the toilet seat, the shower curtain, the best Sunday
    towels, the bathroom mat and down the hallway. At my own home, pee while
    sitting? Yes."

    Sooo funny LMAO!

    Maybe I need to write another blog about that hee hee. I should take a picture of that sweater though.

  11. Exactly according to the master plan. My young padawan learner is doing well. Hee hee hee.

  12. HAHA...I guess reminding him to put the seat back down is not in the cards right now :-)

  13. You're all so funny!!! Be happy you still have children at home to clean up after. Time goes so fast, before you know it, well better left unsaid.
    All of my children are grown, but I am blessed when the cute grandchildren come to visit.

  14. Great story... would love to have a little boy :)) xoxo

  15. haha! I can't believe his nerve! But you did say 'go potty!' That'll learn ya!

  16. Ahh...what a great story to bring forth from the revenge vault come his 21st Birthday speech!
    The old 'And who could forget the time when...

  17. Oy, the things to look forward Following back. Thanks for visiting my blog! :-)

  18. Thank goodness for washing machines! At least they were dirty towels instead of freshly washed and folded ones!