Sunday, April 3, 2011

The Best Prank Ever!

Yesterday I turned around and this is what I saw.  

Not only does it show my INTENSE addiction to caffeine, it also reveals that I have a wild man!








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I sat and thought about this picture long and hard.  Why is The Zombie Elf so wild?  Maybe he gets it from his daddy, who LOVES to prank folks.  If you don't know what I'm talking about, you might want to read these stories:
Or, considering what I did on April Fools, maybe my boy gets it from me.

Cade thought he was pretty witty, pranking the crap out of his own, sweet wife.  At least that's what he thought until the other day.  I knew I had to tease him back, but didn't want to get him too good; our ten year anniversary is coming at the end of April AND I want a nice gift! 

As I wrote a story the other day, a realization hit.  I thought of the perfect prank--it would deem me ungift-worthy, but the idea was so great--so legendary--I didn't care.  Originally I'd thought of putting different bumper stickers on Cade's truck.  They would say something like, "Honk if you're on my wife's side," or "I like Viagra," or even . . . "I like Tony Romo's Cowboys!"  But none of those were good enough--not as cool as my new idea.

So, I pulled a couple strings and arranged for Cade's co-workers to put something awesome on his truck.  

That morning I sang to the children about how "I was the champion."  We danced around the house and had the best morning ever because I had pulled a master prank.  The kids smiled and gooed.  They loved me more than chocolate milk.  That was before I got a devastating phone call.

"Elisa?" Cade asked forlornly.  "I think the guys at work are up to something."

"Like what?"

"Well, they laugh every time I pull in or out of the job site.  Sometimes I catch them just looking at me . . .  It's weird.  Maybe they don't like me anymore.  What do you think's going on?"

I paused.  Maybe my prank was a bad idea--worse then moldy bread!  "I don't know . . . " I faltered.  "That is strange."

"Oh . . . and hey, I think I found you something for our anniversary.  I don't want to buy it just yet though."

My eyes widened as I thought about what hung from the back of Cade's truck.  I felt my gift fluttering out the kitchen window.  Because of my juicy prank, I wouldn't get a gift.  The poor guy was experiencing emotional whiplash.  And if things got bad enough, maybe he'd want to quit his good job!

"But it's not just the guys at work.  It's other people too.  They stare at me when they drive by.  One old lady gave me a crusty."

"She did?"  Wow!  That woman had a set.  I can't believe she'd give my husband a crusty; he doesn't look like someone you'd want to scrap with.  As I stood thinking about my prank, that's when Cade hit me with the bad news.

"Your parents are on their way to the job site though, so that'll be nice."

"Are you kidding?"

"Nope.  They're on their way . . . right now."

Before I go on, you need to know some things.  Cade works for my dad.  They've both been in the drilling business for years.  It's great that he works for my family, just not when I'm pulling pranks!

My dad does the bidding and my mom handles the bills.  She a sweet, Christian woman.  She uses fancy paper and puts scriptures in the paychecks each week.  She's even talked about putting Christian symbols on the trucks' bumpers.  (I wonder if they decided against it since construction workers swear so much.  Maybe they wouldn't be the perfect example of Christ after all.  I can picture it now, some burly guy flipping the tall man, but as he hauls past, the bumper would say, "Have a nice day because Jesus loves you too.")  

As I thought about my sweet mom who emulates Christ, Cade's words echoed in my head.  "They're on their way . . . right now."  That's when I wondered if he knew what hung from the back of his truck.  After all, a laugh had danced in his words.

That turd.  That deepfried turkey turd.  He knew he had me!

"Why are . . . THEY . . . going to the job site?" I asked.

"I called 'em.  Told 'em they should come see the progress."

"You . . . called them."

"Yep.  Well, love you!  Talk to you when they get here."

"When they . . . "  I trailed because he'd already hung up the phone."

Fantastic!  My parents were on their way to the job site--that wonderful place where two, overly massive, HUGE BLUE BALLS HUNG FROM THE BACK OF CADE'S TRUCK!

I thought of my Christian mother, her kind heart and gentle spirit.  I imagined her face as she saw those balls.   I nearly died!  I thought of my Cool Hand Luke Father--that same person I want to assume I'm perfect.  What would they think of those blue orbs of wretchedness?  My lip quivered.  

I sat around, just waiting for Cade to call.  I swept the kitchen, cleaned the window my gift had fluttered out of.  That's when the phone rang.  I picked it up as fast as I could.  My hand and voice shook.  "Hello?"

"Your mom's getting closer to the truck," Cade whispered.  "Closer . . .  Closer."

"Are you freaking kidding me!  Will you really go through with this?"  I asked him.

"She's closer . . . closer . . . "

I wanted to scream.  "Why are you doing this?"

"Hey."  Cade's voice sounded further away, like the phone hung at his side.

"Hi, Cade.  How are you?"  It was my mom.  She sounded so kind--so visually innocent! 

I cringed inside.  My innards churned to goo.  I pictured those yucky balls, swaying in the wind.  I knew my mom would see them.  I knew she'd think they were horrible.  Why hadn't I just stuck a scripture on the back of Cade's truck?  That would have been funny?  Right?  It's never good pranking someone who's always TWO STEPS AHEAD!

My mom gasped after that.  It was so loud the world stopped spinning and I almost died from the jolt.

"Cade . . . " she said, stunned.  "What . . . are those?"

The phone sat so close to my ear, the cold metal bit into my skin.  I pictured my mom's perfectly manicured hands, pointing toward those big . . . saggy balls. 
Cade didn't say a word and I covered my mouth.  My sweet mother probably thought it was horrible.  That's when I heard my dad's voice.  "Oh, boy.  Look at those suckers."

I held my breath and there was silence.  Nothing.  No one said anything for an eternity! 


Then my mom cleared her throat.  "Oh, I didn't realize you were on the phone."

"Oh, it's just Elisa.  She . . . ummm . . ."

"Has she seen these?"

"Ummm . . . no.  I mean.  No she hasn't.  The guys from work just thought they'd . . . pull a prank on me.  I can't wait to prank them back."

My mom sent out a half-hearted chuckle and my dad actually laughed.  "Just some construction humor," he said to my mom.

"Hey, Elisa," Cade said.  "I better go show them the job."

"I . . ."  My eyes shut.  I felt so thankful for Cade.  He'd saved my prank-loving soul.  "I love you so much," I said.  "Thanks for not telling them it was me."

"No problem."  He laughed, a sexy laugh that drives me wild.  "How did you do it anyway?" he whispered.

"You really want to know?"

"Heck yeah.  Those are awesome!"

"Well, too bad," I giggled, "a magician never reveals her secrets."