We discovered we might need to put our 13-year-old dog down, and this week I became so stressed about it that I got even sicker than normal. In fact, I barely made it through my tax appointment. I brought Sky with me, so she can learn about taxes, but after about 45 minutes, I had to throw up in the bathroom. (Cancer can be brutal!) I tried so hard to keep it quiet—not wanting my daughter—or the accountant to hear such a “glamorous moment.”
When I got home, I shook and shivered after spiking a fever. Mike is working swings, and so after all four of our kids had dinner and went to sleep, I curled onto my bed and cried.
“God, I know you have a plan…. I KNOW you do, but that doesn’t mean this isn’t hard.”
“Trust.” The word filled my mind and sobered me. After all, once placed, trust has the power to dispel fear and eradicate worry. But finding solace and having enough faith TO trust is inherently difficult, especially when we’re facing tough times!
I needed a distraction and fast, so I pulled up a recent video recording from my memoir “The Golden Sky.” I took it last Sunday, recording seven episodes while I felt well, since these moments are fleeting. I beamed happily outside and said, “I had to move outside because my son is playing the drums.” I laughed. “It’s cold out here!”
The irony hit, and I instantly knew I’d watched the video at that exact moment for a reason….
This is ironic because “The Golden Sky” is about my first son who died. At one point things didn’t feel like they could get much worse. I’d become a single mom, struggling to fight and work and be strong. I could’ve faltered, but honestly little miracles kept happening—breadcrumbs from God—and I truly felt His love in my life. Although my son died, God stayed.
I never thought I’d live through those hardships, raise Ruby to be such an AMAZING adult, or even have more children. But with God’s help—and a little moxie—I did. I even had another son, healthy this time.
So, as I watched myself reading about my first son‘s death, it hit me how strange that you can faintly hear my second son jamming on the drums in the background…with so much joy for music, optimism for the unexpected, and complete zeal for life. I have cancer and that’s been hard for all of us, but he still fights to find the good in everything.
The point is that life has ups and downs. When you’re on a roller coaster, you trust the tracks and the car. When you’re flying, you trust the plane. During life, why have so many of us forgotten to trust God? Even with me and cancer….
I felt bad for myself in June of 2020, shocked about how sick I felt. But now I have days that are so much worse! Looking back, I should’ve been grateful for things as they were.
So, even throwing up in the accountant’s office doesn’t seem THAT bad anymore. I’m grateful I didn’t make a mess. I’m glad I can even walk to the bathroom. And I’m flippin’ ecstatic that I’m STILL alive.
I’m headed to more treatments and some pretty big scans this week. We’re definitely hoping for some good news, but even if it’s not what “I” want, I know God has a plan. Like I’ve written before, if He’s capable of creating the entire universe, I’m pretty sure He knows what he’s doing with each and every one of us.
This is a video of my son trying to make me feel better on one of my sick days. He’s so hilarious!