Friday, March 5, 2021

A Guilty Conscience

 Eminent death has a way of bringing things to the surface. Like oil dumped into water it segregates to the top. That’s what all my memories are doing—forming a barrier where they’re all I can see.

I met a man many years ago. He seemed strong and carefree. I believed him when he said he was divorced. Hell, I believed him weeks later when he told me they were only separated (and he’d been scared to tell me earlier). But everything blew up one night when I called him late and a woman answered. “Who is this?” she asked.

“‘Kevin’s’ girlfriend,” I said.

“Well, this is ‘Kevin’s’ wife.”

And I’m ashamed to say that it took me a couple of months to get away from him—even though he was married and obviously living with his wife. 

Being the other woman, well, it’s not what they say in the movies. It wasn’t glamorous; we didn’t go out dancing. I got flowers—but they wilted.

The guy had a family...and the most beautiful wife. Yet, it took time for me to get away. Sickening, right? Can you believe that’s not even the worst thing I’ve done since then?! 

After it ended, he’d try to contact me. I told him to stop, but he wouldn’t. So I found his mom online, and forwarded one of his messages to her. That was the end of it, and I can only imagine what his mom did to him after discovering he’d been messaging another woman. And not even that was nice. 

It’s settled. I’d make the worst Quaker ever.

So, now death is waiting...and the guilt I felt about these things has multiplied. Now, I seem like a true monster with a jaded past and a broken, sick body. 

So memories like that keep burdening me, giant yokes around my neck. My husband keeps telling me to let them go. “It’s over. You need to forgive yourself.” 

But I just can’t. “Maybe the cancer is some sort of punishment from nature, karma and all that.”

Anyway, the other day my friend randomly gave me a book called “Inspirations.” The author shares how we have negative things happen and they appear as rocks and boulders in our path. Some people actually pick up the rocks and tie them to their backs! (It’s sounds preposterous, until we’re really honest.)

“You have been carrying scissors with you this entire time. The scissors are made of forgiveness. [...] Cut away the cords and feel the difference in your body and spirit.” 

I read the chapter several times, and the book became a tool for me. Sometimes it can be hard for me to truly understand the depth of something—unless someone is using an analogy.

So I’ve been thinking about scissors since I read that book. And about tying boulders to my own back. I’m tired of walking around with all of those burdens. I know I’ve done some absolutely terrible things, but I just can’t stand carrying the weight of them anymore. Sure I’m worse than most, but I want to be forgiven anyway.

It’s strange what thoughts death will bring to the surface, but I guess that’s a topic for another day. For now, I’m working on forgiving myself, letting go of the past, and cutting cords.

If you’re looking for a good self-help book, check out “Inspirations.” It’s definitely been helping me:

Sorry if this post is too personal for you, but I hope it’ll help someone else who hasn’t been a saint for all their life. Maybe it’s time to let things go. It’s time to forgive yourself and others.

1 comment:

  1. Not too personal at all, we all do stuff we later thing better of............