Tuesday, January 7, 2014

The Art of "Eff Ewe"

    When I was in sixth grade, a little boy WOULD NOT STOP being mean to me.  Every day he would come over and say, "F. U.."
    "Eff Ewe?" I'd ask, seriously having no idea what he was saying.
      "Ewe, like a sheep?" I asked, sheltered.
    "What?  No!  You like you!"
    "You!  As in you are so stupid."
     The whole class would laugh.  This would happen every day, until I consulted the ultimate guru . . . my brother.
    "What does F. U. mean?" I asked.
    "F. stands for Fabulous."
    "And U.?"
    "That stands for you as in you.  Fabulous You."  He pointed to me, patted me on the shoulder and smiled. The guy tried walking away, but I wouldn't let him.
    I grabbed his arm.  "Well, if he's calling me, Fabulous You, why are all of the other kids laughing?"
    He looked troubled and I knew he cared.  "You want him to stop?"
    "Yes," I said.
    "Well, I'll tell you what to say, but you can't tell Mom.  Like that time I taught you the word 'fugly.'  You CAN NOT tell mom this time.  Promise."
    We made the ultimate pact; we even pinkie swore!
    "When he says 'F. U.' I want you to say . . ."  Then my brother made me memorize a comeback.
    "What in the heck does that mean?" I asked after memorizing it.
    "Nothing really, but it will get him to stop calling you . . . fabulous."
    "He's not calling me 'fabulous' is he?"
    My brother just stared.
    "Are you sure I can trust you?"
    "When could you not?"
     He was right.  When it came down to it, my brother always had my back.  So, I followed his advice.  I dressed really nice for school the next day.  I did my hair and wore lip gloss.  I actually looked like a tom boy turned cute.  When that boy walked up and said "F. U." in front of everyone, I said what my brother taught me.
    "I know you want to, but you never ever will."  I put my hand on my hip and stuck it out like Sandy at the end of Grease.  "And when I grow up, you'll be a yucky guy.  Then you'll wish you could."
    "F. U.?" he said again, weakly.  All the kids laughed AT HIM this time.  Then after a moment all the rage in the world came out.  "I'd never want to do that . . . ever!  Who wants to be with a freak anyway."
    I barked his shin when the words left his mouth.  
    As the teacher pulled me from the classroom and toward the principal's office, she asked, "What possessed you to do that?"
    I stared at her.  All those days I'd gotten made fun of and she never stood up for me, yet I was going to the office?
    "Well, answer me!  Who taught you how to do that?"
    I'd never tell her it was my brother--never.  My lips sealed shut.  My soul became a tomb.  They could string me up in detention, pluck my hairs one by one.  They could pull out my liver and sell it for school supplies--and STILL I'd never rat on my angel of a brother.  He'd saved my life.
    I turned back and saw all the kids watching me from the classroom.  
     "F. U. Boy" cried in the corner and somehow I knew he'd never bother me again.


  1. Okay, Peanut is home sick today (slight fever, sore throat...she should be fine). I am so glad I didn't read this post to her out loud. hee hee...I told her it was a grown up post. She then asked me to read your brownie butt post again. :)

  2. Brothers are the best! :) Loved the story!

  3. hahaha made the poor boy cry such a meanie..haha.. not that he didn't deserve it.

  4. that is excellent, I can't beleive you were taken to the office

  5. I didn't have any older brothers or sisters, so I was just clueless when people insulted me..lol That is, until I'd ask my mom and she'd just say, "Where did you hear that?" ...lots of help.

    You're so lucky; I wanted an older brother so bad. Probably too late for that now..LOL

  6. brothers are great. I'm sad someone made you cry and was mean to you or that you were taken to the office. great blog post. I'm coming to you from vb blog hop and having a good time checking out your blog. take care!


  7. Hahahahaha! That just made my morning, haha!

  8. Dear Elisa, my brother is younger, not older, than I but he's always willing to help me when I need repairs around the house. We're so lucky to have these "guys" in our life!

    The video was a hoot!


  9. I started to watch the video without my headphones and my first thought was, oh a remake of Jurassic Park. Haha. Great story. I never had a brother but when my male cousin lived with us for a few months he willingly acted the part of a homosexual activists in one of my history projects in high school. The theme was The Swinging 60's...

  10. Another clever cooperative creation by the cow clan! I assume you got an "A"!!

  11. That was beautiful. Both the post and the video. Good times. Headed over to his place now.

  12. What a great come-back! What happened to you?
    My brother pulled a trick on me; he told me to go up to the teacher and say "Some of it itches". I had heard 'son of bitches' all my life , not knowing it was a bad choice of words.
    The teacher was speechless, but knew the source was from my brother. She gave him such a look.

  13. Laughed so hard my dog wondered who he needed to pounce on and chose me. Great post. GREATness. Can't wait to read your book.

  14. That's the funniest video ever. I now completely understand English history and why England is what it is today. Lord, I wish I'd had a brother to help me like that. I bet F.U. Boy has grown up to be a miserable asshat who has never made more than $18,000/year.


  15. You call that a volley in the blog war?!!!! Posting the Henry the VIII video? I proudly stand behind that one, prom dress and all.

  16. It reminds me of the scene in Stepmom when Dad's new girlfriend teaches the daughter about "snowblowing".


  17. Love the story, the video was a little disturbing in parts though.lol

  18. So funny. I couldn't watch the video again. It took me weeks to get the images out of my head last time. ;)

  19. Hahahahaha...just went back and watched the video. You guys crack me up!


    Shane obviously doesn't understand the theory of giving someone a compliment & then bringing out your big guns. (Do we have big guns?)

    To SHANE--I think you looked lovely in your prom dress!

  21. haha Great! Following your blog!

  22. I love this so much. So, so much! It's so touching and funny. I hate that you got in trouble after being bullied all that time, but that happens ALL THE TIME. I'm glad you were able to make something awesome out of it.

  23. And also A MILLION THUMBS UP for your hopefully award winning historical documentary. It is Fabulous.

  24. we have a limerick prompt this week,
    you are welcome to write a few and post in your blog, link to our site to inspire our poet supporters.

    love your blog, signing in to follow.

  25. This is relevant in my house as our kids are getting the anti-teasing and bullying campaign at school these days. I'll have to think how I can G rate your story and share it with the elementary schoolers.

  26. Damn you this made me laugh and laughing at the moment isn't good as my head is hurting a lot