Sunday, November 23, 2014

I left the bag in the turkey!

    This is one of my favorite Thanksgiving posts--from 2011.  So I decided to repost it this weekend.

    Do you remember Miss Priss?  
    One of my FAVORITE posts ever is this one:

Then the madness continued with:

    Her nickname says it all.  I swear, I run into this woman whenever I look like crap--too bad I see her almost EVERY DAY.
    Yesterday, I should have thrown some makeup on, but no, I decided to put on my glasses and go all natural.  That practically summoned Miss Priss because when I stepped into the post office, there she stood, mailing packages that smelled like perfume.
    "Oh, it's you," she said when she saw me.  "How . . . lovely to see you."
    Wasn't it though, just delightful!
    I wanted to scream, tell her I don't ALWAYS look like crap, it's just when I see her.  There was no time for facts though, she wanted to tell the employees about how amazing she is and how she's researched new ways to help her baby be smarter.
    The other P. O. employee said he could help me.  "How was your Thanksgiving?" he asked, and Miss Priss hushed, completely honing in on our conversation.
    Sure I could have played her game, acted like everything was better than sin, but I'm not like that, so I blurted out the first thing that came to mind.  "It was awesome.  The food turned out great.  The turkey was moist even if I did leave the bag in it."
    The employees started laughing.  "You did what?"
    "I left the bag in, and can you believe it didn't even taste like plastic?!  I almost died when my husband carved the turkey.  He held up the bag and said, 'Hon, what is this?'  It was like he'd found the toy in the Cracker Jack package--seriously.  But, anyway, if our turkey sucks next year, I'll know it's because the bag needs to stay in.  It adds a . . . smoky taste you just can't buy."
    Miss Priss turned to me like she might be sick.  "I've never done something like that, ever."
    Well, wasn't she a gem--God's gift and everything.
    "You know," she continued, "you should google things first."
    "Sometimes it's nice to live life on the edge."
    "And leaving a bag in a turkey, is living life on the edge?"
    "Absolutely!  I felt all sorts of adventurous on Thanksgiving.  I ate something that had baked with plastic, and I bet it's happened to loads of people." 
    "Well, not to me."  She put her nose up so high in the air, it reminded me of how she'd reacted when I drank coffee.  She's very religious LDS, and as such, disproves of coffee. 
    I don't know why, but I couldn't take her attitude anymore.  I shouldn't have done it, but I did.
    "You know what, I did manage to get the neck and the ball sack out before I cooked everything up.  I boiled the other stuff to make gravy."
    "How crude."  She turned white.
    "Yeah, we used to eat the turkey nuts growing up.  They do have a strange texture, but once you get over that, they're pretty tasty.  Nuts would be your favorite meal, if you tried 'em."  I turned to Miss Priss and then back to the P. O. employees.  I thought the man helping me might explode with laughter.
    Miss Priss went to leave after that.  I almost invited her to one of my family's nut fries, but then I thought I'd done enough.  
    For more information about the nut fry, please go here:

The Nut Fry

    "You know what?" one employee said.  "I didn't know you had it in you, but I'm proud of you.  That woman needs some reality.  It's nice to see someone talk straight to her."
    The other employee blurted out, "I bet she's left the bag in the turkey too.  My wife has."  He paused and then spoke really fast again.  "I-know-I-have."
    I paid for my stuff and smiled wide.  "You left the bag in too?  Seriously?"
    "Yeah," he nodded, "except it was a long time ago and the thing started on fire."
    "Oh, my gosh!  That makes everything better.  I felt like such an idiot."
    "Don't," he said.  "We're all human and we all make mistakes."
    "Thanks," I said.  And for some reason as I left, I felt great about leaving that bag in the turkey.  I didn't feel stupid or silly because I knew I'd made a memory.  I also felt bad for Miss Priss.  Sometimes when people try so hard to be perfect, they lose sight of just having fun.  

    So to Miss Priss,
    Unclench those butt cheeks.  Life's about living.  That's great if you want to google everything, but just once, try living in the moment where things aren't secure and they're a bit uncertain.


  1. I've never cooked a turkey. Then again, I haven't eaten meat since I was 13, so that's probably why.

    This story made me laugh so hard.

  2. Love it! No, I've never left the bag in, but dang, that doesn't mean life has been boring. :) And, occasionally, the Miss Priss(es) of the world need a reality check. In the long run you probably did her a favor lol.

  3. haha geez sounds like Miss Priss and Miss Nostril will get along great..hahaha My Miss Priss is a cat so she has an excuse. And ummm I didn't even know there was a bag in the turkey. Guess I do now, one less thing I have to Google..haha

  4. "Unclench those butt cheeks..." Funny, though I would have said tushy buns...of course.
    The trick to not leaving the bag in the turkey is to have someone else cook the bird.

  5. I think you should have sought donations from the employees who were provided with the wildly entertaining smack-down.

    Sadly and knowing folks like Miss Priss, they will move on unfazed.

  6. Some people are just sooo perfect!!

    and by the mom about 4 years ago left the bag in the turkey too! My grandmother nagged for about 10 minutes, but we all laugh about it now :)

  7. Oh Elisa, I love you! I've done the exact thing-both the bag and the sassy comeback! This post is perfect to tell you that you're so sassy I've nominated you for the 'My Blog Is Great!" award! Come over to mamawolfe and see what you won!

  8. Why yes I have! lol Almost did it this year to but found it just in time!When you wrote about her nose being up in the air it made me think of how a turkey is so dumb it will look up at the sky when it's raining and can actually drown because it doesn't have the common sense to look down. You are priceless girl.

  9. I've left everything in the turkey...nuts and all. Then cooked it upside down. The whole time my mom cut it up she was like, 'what is wrong with this turkey? Where are the breasts? And why is the bag in here? And what is that? Honey, did you just slap it in the oven bag and cook it?' Um, yes. Was that wrong? :)

  10. I would have loved to see her face.

    Good for you! Life is for living.

  11. You know, Google does know everything, its practically like God reincarnate.

    I was fortunate enough to have found the bag inside the turkey before cooking it, but it did stay in the brine overnight :-)

    I'm right there with you all natural. I put my hair up in a topknot this morning and put on my husbands shirt and my jeans I wore two days in a row already and didn't exchange the glasses for contacts before taking my daughter to school this morning. And I took my garbage cans out to the street in my bathrobe. >.<

  12. I love meeting people like that because it gives you a good laugh and reminds me of how not to be!

  13. This comment has been removed by the author.

  14. I, personally, have never left the bag in the turkey, but last year I fixed my first turkey and would have rather left the bag in it rather than pulling out all that damn stuff! My aunt-in-law (?) cooked a turkey once with all the guts and stuff inside it. They said it turned out just fine. So, maybe my next turkey will not be gutless?!

  15. I have NEVER left the bag in the turkey, possibly because I use Stephanie's recipe--I have my husband cook the turkey.

    Actually, I have never made a mistake of any kind--I wonder how it would feel?

  16. PS--I have to admit--I THOUGHT I made a mistake once, but I was WRONG!

  17. hahaha.... plenty of times! There was one year that the turkey was the best, it was the year my mother-in-law and I stayed up late drinking wine and just started 'going with the flow' and improvised... I don't even remember what we did, but we had fun and that was probably the best turkey ever!
    LOVE your 'to miss priss'! :)
    I sure wish I could've been a PO worker there.... I'm sure you made their week!

  18. That is so funny! I would never have said the right thing like that. Nice one!

  19. I haven't left the bag in the turkey, but I've made much bigger mistakes -- like getting married! This post is hilarious and I'm proud of you. And there's no way you didn't look great. You're always such a little cutie pie.


  20. "a . . . smoky taste you just can't buy." Hahahahaha. I love this post! That's why I'm too afraid to make the turkey myself. I'd even probably forget to cook Oh, Veal, that made my day!

  21. My dad does the turkey and relies on Alton Brown for guidance. I have screwed up when baking many times. Like with you, things usually turned out OK in the end :)

    Miss Priss sounds like a roommate I had a few years ago. Seems to think that her way of doing things is the only way to do things and criticizes you and is condescending towards you if you do things a different way. I'm glad that my roommate and I only lived together for one school year.

  22. Perfect Miss Priss.

    I always bump into someone when I look utterly terrible.

  23. That bag has become a family tradition. Someone always forgets to take it out and the rest of us laugh at her, and then next year it's our turn to forget. No one's ever died from cooked turkey bag, maybe it's just what Miss Priss needs to loosen up those butt cheeks!

  24. I have never cooked turkey but hey it is easy to do I remember my mum doing the same thing when I was a child it happens with mum though she remembered about 20 minutes after sticking the bird in the oven and she suddenly yells shit shit shit runs to oven pulles it out and removed what needed these things happen...

    I think it is great that you brought Miss Priss down a peg or two

  25. Miss Priss needs your dose of reality on a regular basis! That was brilliant. And telling her about the turkey nuts? That was genius. What else can you do/say to this woman??

  26. Hehehe! Poor Miss Priss doesn't know what she's missing out on. I've done it, may do it yet. I get to cook the turkey at Christmas. I get out of Thanksgiving. I'll keep you posted. ;)

  27. obviously, she googles herself too much, or maybe not enough and that's the problem.

  28. LOL one of the best posts I've read SO FAR!!!
    You, my wonderful woman, are a genius!
    Damn...there is something definitely wrong with her somewhere. Unfortunately, there are too many ms prissys on this planet.

    ah well, and life goes on

  29. Peaches said your blog was an inspiration to her! I stopped by to see if I could tap in!

    This story made me laugh! I'm not a cook myself-so I rarely get myself into those types of situations.

    I have cooked a few turkies in my day though- so I do know what the bag is- can't say that I've ever forgotten to take it out- that's the first thing I'd do. I enjoy tasting other peoples cooking- the differences in taste, etc. so I agree that there are all different ways to do a thanksgiving dinner or any dinner.

    I think im going to like your stories! Hope you will stop by and check me out!

  30. I've only cooked one turkey in my life and it went without any mishaps. This is a fabulous post, I loved it. Wishing you all the best, Elisa.

  31. I have not left a bag in a turkey. I have been getting turkey breasts to cook since it is the tow of us.

  32. My husband and I have only cooked one turkey- and we left the bag in it. We felt like idiots too- but if you have never done it, how do you know? I think your response to the nasty woman was priceless! You handled it perfectly. I bet you made the guys' day at the post office. Yeah!

    Life is one big adventure. Fear not the unexpected. :)

  33. Lots of people leave the bag in. I haven't, of course, but lots of people have. Common mistake.

    Your Mother From Another Planet