Thursday, May 23, 2013

How NOT to Tell Your Child About Maturation!

"What's maturation?" my eleven-year-old Scribe asked me.
    "Ur . . . Well . . ."  Then I remembered, when in doubt, answer a question with a question. "Why, darling?" I asked, donning an awkward smile.
    "My teacher says we're having a maturation class this week."
    Oh. My. Gosh.  I just knew I'd die.  My own "maturation" lesson had been terrible.  As a gangly youth--the tallest girl in my class--I was simply a twig with pimples.  I laughed through the whole facts-of-life-speech.  Then when I got home, I asked my mom, "What's sex?"  My sister kindly volunteered to tell me.  Thinking I'd already learned enough in school, she pulled out a college biology textbook and showed me something that looked like a funnel and something that looked like a test tube with veins.
    "When these two beautiful things come together. A baby is made."

    It seemed scientific AND confusing.  And definitely NOT beautiful.  Whatever the hell those things were, I hoped I'd never come across them in real life!  Little did I know that--God forbid--I had one!
    The Scribe brought me from my thoughts.  "What is maturation?"   
    I had to distract her. "Your teacher finds out what's she's having soon, right?  I bet she's so excited to be pregnant."
    "Mom! Stop dodging the question."
    What could I tell her?  After all, being clueless once, I told my mom, "I can't believe each octopus has eight testicles."  She turned so red that it looked like she'd eaten a frog!
    "Tentacles, honey. Tentacles."
    I shook my heard and turned to the Scribe.  "Fine." I swallowed hard. "Maturation is when you get to find out where babies come from."
    The Scribe thought for a moment. "I hope my teacher will be able to learn from the class. Since she's having a baby, I bet she'd love to know where it came from."
    I busted with laughter.  Is that how my mom felt when I'd had the tentacle conundrum in my youth?
    "Mom, do you want to tell me before the class?" the Scribe asked.
    Was that a good idea?  Especially after my own experiences of not knowing. Like the time in Jr. High when a girl told me she swallowed something and thought she was pregnant.  I just kept wondering, "Swallowed what?"  It'd come from a funnel or a test tube--I just KNEW it!  Or maybe she'd swallowed one of those birth control pills!  
    So, maybe it would be better if I told the Scribe everything.  "I'm not sure, babe."
    "I understand," she said. "I've heard you might want to check me out of school after the class. It can be pretty traumatic for the parents."
    I raised a brow.  That's when I decided to give her "the talk."  And apparently I suck at giving sex talks.  Half-way through a realization dawned on the Scribe.  She stared at me and yelled, "You've done this! YOU did this . . . and that's where I came from?  Oh man!  Man!  And my teacher. . . .  She's going to have a baby.  Oh man!"
    That poor teacher.  The maturation class is today.  She might get a lot of accusing glares from the kids today.
    Anyway, now the Scribe knows I'm not a virgin--I guess you do too.  But seriously--she didn't even like the tentacle story!  Then this morning she refused to go to school, saying she never wants to see another boy again and that she never wants to have kids or to get married.  She followed all of this up by saying I should've just showed her a funnel and a test tube!
    This too shall pass, but for right now, I really hate talking about the birds and the bees.  At least the Scribe finally went to school.  I'm meeting her around two for the official maturation class at school.  Can the apocalypse happen right before this? Please? Because THAT would be easier to deal with.

    How did your first "sex talk" go when it was given to you or your kids?


  1. hahahaha oh the birds and the bees can sure make on freeze

  2. FINE!! I had the talk with my kids & I learned a lot!!

  3. Oh so least she is a girl I had to go to maturation with Jaden and then have the talk!

  4. Cade better tell Trey when he's old enough. I don't think I could survive that lol

  5. Wonderful article of 'Intro', I am ashamed to say I missed this opportunity. Being first in college and then seminary, plus already having a pastorate, 14 to 16 hour days left little time for my 6 children. But the Lord provided and I am blessed.

  6. Dear Elisa, your writing this story gives me an idea for a posting in June. In it, I'll narrate what happened when my mom and I had a sex talk--I was all of 18! Peace.

  7. I still have not had the "talk" yet, we have danced around a few subjects when a boy told my daughter she was a virgin and she thought he had insulted her so she tried to hit him....

    I hope to have it with my wife there so if something goes wrong we can blame each other, lol. Nah I think it will go okay...right?...let me just have my delusions.

  8. I have three girls and volunteered to have "the talk" with each one, as that time approached. So far, there has been an unanimous "NO! We'll just ask mom." For the life of me, I can't imagine why.

  9. I blew the sex talk with my oldest daughter. My son just glared at us when he figured things out. My oldest daughter told my youngest daughter, I guess to spare her.

  10. My wife won't let me have the "talk" with my kids (all boys). She's afraid of what I might elaborate / exaggerate. Jeez, you tell one or two stories and nobody ever believes you again. :)

  11. My daughter did not even ask for the sex talk. She asked me what tampons were and I accidentaly ended up giving her the "talk.

  12. I grew up on a farm, so I knew from early on how babies were made, although it kind of shocked me when I found out humans did that, too.

    My girls were much cooler about it than I was-

  13. I told The Hurricane the basics when she was about eight, and she said, So you and Dad did that twice, right? Uh, um, well, maybe more than twice. I remember the facts of life class in junior high. We were allowed to write questions for the lady who came in to show us a movie. Someone asked, How does sexual intercourse occur? Our sexpert lady danced around the answer. I didn't know how to have sex till I had it. And even then I had a lot to learn.


  14. 'A test tube with veins', brilliant. I don't have kids but I remember my dad giving me the talk as I sat in the bath. It was baffling.

  15. You have inspired me! Guess what I'll be blogging about next week. Why yes, I am snickering and snorting.

  16. I can so well remember this lesson at school. Given by our newly qualified biology teacher who blushed throughout, the boys sat huddled together, giggling as only school boys can, many of them looking like they were going to faint/vomit at any minute.

  17. My mother gave me "the talk" one morning before church (I was in the 4th grade). I thought she was off her rocker. It seriously sounded like science fiction to me - she took the technical route with "the talk." Later my best friend asked me if my mom had told me a story about eggs and babies. I said yes and that I thought my mom was crazy. Our mothers were friends so we decided the insanity had rubbed off. It was the one and only time my mother ever talked about sex and maturation with me. Any additional attempts on my part to get parental guidance in that area were met with "you're too young."

    For my own children, I found out what the school was going to talk about each year (5th, 6th, and 7th/8th grade health) tailored my "talk" each year to give a little more information. I've made it a goal to answer my children's questions honestly (age-appropriate answers) and to foster an atmosphere that no subject is off limits, that they can tell me about anything they are going through, and that I won't judge or tell them they are "too young" to feel this way.

  18. My mom was great with this stuff, but Dad would say: Would you like to go get ice-cream? ;)

  19. This is just so funny,I don't remember having that type of conversation with any of my girls

  20. I don't remember ever having that talk.
    When I was three, my mum was pregnant with my little brother, and I remember her telling me that when a mummy and daddy want to have a baby, they have a special cuddle and then a baby grows in the mummy's tummy. No details.
    In primary school we had 'sex education' but it was just about puberty. There might have been some stuff abut the sperm fertilising the egg, but I don't recall them actually telling us about where the sperm comes from or how it gets to the egg.
    In secondary school, they assumed we knew all that and went straight on to stds and contraception.

    I remember being with some other girls in the cloakroom, when I was about ten, and one of them said something vague about the man putting his penis somewhere. That was all the detail I got until I was old enough to read books where sex happened and the first I'd ever thought about sex, but it all seemed perfectly obvious and sensible and not at all horrifying.

  21. This was too funny! I feel bad for her teacher since all the kids will be looking at her differently. :)

    When I had the talk at school, my mom got me a picture book that talked about the major points. She gave it to me at night to read and then sat down to answer any questions I had. The next day we had "the talk" and watched a movie about it. I still had some questions, but definitely felt like most of the questions I had at the time were answered.

    On a side note- when I was teaching for the first time and my students had the talk they all came back and asked me if I "menstruated". They were giggling and it was pretty funny and I was blushing up a storm.