The infusion chair feels huge around my small frame. I've lost 15 lbs. now, which is a significant amount considering I was "underweight" before. Yet, despite the fact that I've been sicker than ever , I've felt quite hopeful.
Maybe this is simply a stage a grief. Maybe I'm stuck in denial even though it's at the beginning of the list, and I'm already six months into this debilitating process. But...my mind is so excited for summer. And even though I'm sick, there is soooo much I want to do: hike, paint, eat out on restaurant patios....
The other day, Mike, the kids, and I painted in our backyard. I had to take frequent breaks, but at the end, my eyes sparkled with excitement over what we'd done. We each painted a universe complete with planets, stars, and open space. Just seeing how happy the kids were over some spray paint and cheap poster boards, well, that made it all worth it.
Mike had to practically carry me back into the house because I was so weak afterward. I didn't let the kids see that. In fact, we took selfies and smiled broadly. It wasn't until they were preparing for bed that Mike helped me put myself back together.
The next day, I held my picture of the universe up and thought, "This puts life in perspective. We're all so minuscule. Even smaller than these specks I painted as stars." When you start thinking about how massive our world is and how immense the galaxies are--even stage 4 melanoma doesn't seem like such a big deal. I'm like an ant...with cancer. Pretty sure it's not really THAT big of a deal.
So, I thought about all of that again as I sat in the massive infusion chair--about how small I am and how small my problems are. And when things were truly in perspective, all of the fear vanished, and instead, only hope remained. I'm so excited for the future, excited to still be alive. I can hardly wait to see what the future will hold--whatever it is, I've got this!
In three more weeks I'll get scans to see if the new therapy is working. But today my blood counts were the best they’ve been since October! I think we’re about to get some good news.
Oh, Elisa, I hope you will get some good news. You may smile at this, but I have come to the same insight about how small we are in this vast Universe. I dropped fear some years back, now I may just have dropped worry too. As I think I said in a previous comment, I see love now, I feel love so much, I even wonder what may be the matter with me. The catch is that I will be 81 next month, at the summer solstice. So it took a while. Sending tons of love to you, dear Elisa. You are such a beautiful spirit.
ReplyDeleteI just got home from town and the post office. Thank you so much for the book, what a lovely surprise. I'm looking forward to reading it. I'm supertired now, I always am after a trip to town, so I will write more soon. I would love to get you email address so I could send a note every now and then. My handwriting has gone by the wayside and email is now my preferred way to communicate. I would not expect a reply, I understand your tiredness. I once went through cancer treatments and I never knew a human being could be as tired as that made me. And it was nothing compared to what you are going through. I'm not on social media other than my blog. My email: sweed40ij@gmail.com Thank you again, sending more love...
ReplyDeleteI’m so glad that it came! Thank you for all of your encouragement and kindness. I appreciate you more than you know.
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