How to Sneak Out of Church

I bring my kids to church every Sunday that I can—even though I’m not religious. Today went differently, I got so sick that I couldn’t stay. I told my daughter we’d use a trick my mom taught me: wait for the next prayer, then exit discreetly. One problem remained, that my son sat somewhere else with his friend!

So, we waited, but ruining expectations, they didn’t pray for-e-v-e-r! I gathered my stuff and tried to hold my keys (like bloody knuckles) so they wouldn’t jangle.

“Bow your heads while we pray,” they finally said.

“Now!” I whispered to Indy like we were on a SWAT team. “Go. Go! Go!” After almost tripping on someone’s purse handle, we made it to where Trey, my son, sat, and I just knew the deacon would soon wrap up the world’s shortest prayer. Everyone’s eyes would see me—trying to get my son to leave. It would be the most awkward thing ever especially since the church was completely full!

“Trey,” I whispered, but the kid was intently praying—for once. “Trey! TREY!”

Then he turned with his eyes still closed and shushed me. “They’re praying!”

“And I’m sick!” 

He opened his eyes. “Oh! Sorry, Mom.”

“In Jesus name,” the deacon’s voice slowed just as we opened the back door to freedom. “Amen.”

If I hadn’t been so sick, I would’ve felt like Indiana Jones after leaving that cave in his first movie! Because IT WAS sort of awesome! We left church early and got away with it. Sometimes being an adult does have its perks.

Anyway, after we left I immediately went to bed, but before I could fall asleep I heard my kids talking. “That’s the first time I’ve actually wanted to be in church!”

“Yeah, me too,” my daughter said. “I was really excited to hear the sermon.”

“Yeah!” Trey said more emphatically.

I’ve decided I can’t win, but there are just some days when we have to think about ourselves. Plus, I’ve never puked in a church because that’s God’s house. Disaster averted!

I’ll try going next Sunday—better luck next time? Plus, it is kind of fun imagining people’s faces when they realized we’d just vanished during the prayer. After the docs told me my brain tumors are gone, I’ve decided some miraculous things can happen when we pray.

I just hope we can get rid of these other tumors too. It’s so hard enduring some of these treatments. It would just be nice to have an end in sight. I guess that’s the problem with cancer though. It’s like having a flu that never ends. And we just don’t know when it will.