Today I made the mistake of googling "what tumors look like." Let it be known--they are freakin' gross. If you want to call someone the worst name ever, call them Satan; and if you don't want to call them Satan, call them a tumor.
I've had cysts before--which is bad enough, but now knowing a tumor is inside of me....that makes me feel disgusting.
Last night I talked with one of my neighbors. She said, "Don't worry. They'll take it out, it'll be benign and you'll be fine. Tumors are common."
"Have you ever had a tumor?" I asked.
"Nope." She shook her head. "But if I were you, I wouldn't worry."
Well, she isn't me, not at all. Try BEING the one with a tumor, THEN tell me you wouldn't worry.
But I know she meant well. She's a doll, really. It got me thinking, though; maybe I am being a serious idiot. Maybe I'm worried over nothing, ya know, Elisa the dramatic chick with a tumor? The results could come back just fine after they remove this thing....
I've been strong for the kids. But after everyone is asleep, the last two nights I've cried. I'm just worry about if this is cancer. I mean, shit, there are people in my life who need me.
Anyway, these thoughts have all got to be natural, right?
I talked with one of my best friends last night. She's like pure Heaven, sweet and extraordinary. I swear she's ALWAYS been there for me, since we were teenagers and everything. She started crying on the phone. "I wish we lived closer," she said. "Right now...waiting for results and knowing you'll be having a surgery--it's scary."
"Don't cry," I said. And she probably didn't know it, but I was on the verge of tears too. "In ten years, people are going to wonder how the zombie virus started. I want you to tell them, it started in Elisa's right ovary."
"That's right. Maybe I'm turning right now, from the inside out."
Laughter burst through her previously choked-up voice. "You're ridiculous."
"Oh my gosh," I gasped, "this could be a book!"
"Of course you'd think of that."
"Well, it COULD be awesome!"
Anyway, I'm sure my blood tests will be fine. And when they remove the tumor next Thursday, those lab tests will come back fine too. But like my buddy said, it's just scary waiting.
If anything, I'm thankful this whole situation has gotten me writing again.
Elisa (The girl who thinks everything could make a good book. "Well, it COULD be awesome!")