Let me back up though, you need to read this from the beginning. . . .
I've had a friend for many years who hasn't been very nice to me. I've told her and myself this, yet still I manage to revert back into old high school habits and get hurt again. I love this girl and so I end up giving her limitless chances. But in return she proves that she doesn't really like me. She says mean things when I succeed and gloats when I fail. Sadly, I just want her to like me even though it's been like this since we were little girls.
Anyway, she had me so depressed about my writing and myself, I thought about giving up. I know it sounds stupid. I've come so far and all that jazz, but in moments like this--when someone who's known me forever--someone who might know me better than I know myself says I'm "not good," then maybe it's time to stop.
That's when I met Adrienne deWolfe. Now I'm not sure if you've heard of her, but if you haven't you need to check her out. Not only is she a best-selling author AND award winner, she's a a Book Writing Coach. Click HERE to see what I'm talking about.
Well, I had the chance to have her look at the first chapter of "Homeless in Hawaii." The things she noticed amazed me. I learned so much in a short time, but one main thing--something especially meant for me was what she said about motivation.
"Goal, motivation and conflict can make your characters come to life."
I sat thinking about the kindness Adrienne deWolfe showed to me. I thought about all of her words as I opened the final revisions for Crazy Life of a Writing Mom. That's when my eyes fell on the story about my hurtful friend. I took Adrienne's advice and began highlighting different aspects of the chapter. What were my friend's conflicts? What were her smaller motivations and overall goals? I stopped at the end of the chapter and had tears in my eyes. How could I have been so stupid? My friend had done everything for a reason. It didn't make her words better or right, but it gave me understanding and taught me a good lesson. This isn't my problem. The way she's acting has nothing to do with me--it was as plain as day highlighted right in front of me.
Coming from a writer's standpoint, clearly displaying motivation in your writing is a key factor, but clearly understanding it IN LIFE can be even more important.
Isn't it cool how writing has helped me? I don't want to be close friends with that girl anymore, not until she can handle her problems another way. I don't need to be her victim so she can feel important. Plus, there are better ways to handle problems like by drinking rum . . . coke--maybe even both mixed together. Or simply by writing out problems and seeing what shows up after careful observation.
Thank you, Adrienne for teaching me something I'll never forget. I was able to go back through all of the things I've been working on to implement your helpful tips. And you were so right, my characters--even the real-life ones--went from two-dimensional to three-dimensional people after making sure I'd shown their motivation to the reader.
Here's a picture the Scribe took of me holding one of Adrienne's books.
In closing, Crazy Life of a Writing Mom will be out soon and I'm offering free eBooks to anyone willing to review it on Amazon and Goodreads.
Also, McGuffy Ann and Janie just posted reviews for Bible Girl & the Bad Boy. You can read those at the following links:
Have a wonderful day!
I'm a people pleaser so it was hard for me when I had to cut some negative friends from my life. Now that I've done it, things are so much easier! You should never have friends who make you a victim because then it's not a real friendship. I'm glad you learned and are still writing!!
ReplyDeleteI love your story and i had a friend like that we even end up fighting. Thanks for The advice that was good:)
ReplyDeleteI always appreciate the honesty here Elisa. A best of your writings sounds like a super idea, and I am glad that Adrienne offered timely advice. Hang in there.
ReplyDeleteMy roommate almost 4 years ago was like this friend (she and I started out as friends too): telling me I'd never get my first boyfriend or friends if I kept acting the way I did (which was slightly childish but not that much). Gloating about the fact that she could drive and had her car at school with her and I had neither (which was interesting since as friends, she always gladly picked me up when needed). Basically making me feel inferior because I hadn't had the same experience with guys as she had (or any at all) and I was shy without friends and I wasn't as OCD clean as she was. I did a small cheer inside when she moved out at the end of the year. So glad to be rid of her! Glad you found someone to actually help you with your writing.
ReplyDeleteP.S. do you have a hard copy of "The Best of EC Writes"? I don't have an e-reader but I'd love to review it. It'd be my first book review!
DeleteI would love to send you a copy. ;)
DeleteThanks so much!
-E
We've all had toxic friends like this....I know I have. Great post! Gives me lots to think about.
ReplyDeleteIsn't it funny how true playground philosophy really is? "I'm rubber, you're glue, whatever you say bounces off of me and sticks to you!"
ReplyDeleteSorry you had to deal with this, but glad you made the realization that it's her hangup and it's not you.
Echoing what Stephanie said about toxic friends. Sometimes you need to take inventory and just clean them out of your life, no matter how long you've known them. A true friend doesn't have to like what you produce/write, but they should be supportive of the fact that you're trying your best to succeed.
ReplyDeleteWell thank God someone else said it. If you give up on writing a part of you will die. It's who you are. Don't do it. You will always have naysayers. Heck there are people in my FAMILY that are naysayers. If this person doesn't appreciate who you are and what you are doing then I don't think they know you better than you know yourself or even better than the rest of us know you. Keep your chin up girl! Love ya
ReplyDeleteLife is funny, because you are one of my mentors & heroes. Hugs.
ReplyDeleteYou are so sweet. Thank you.
DeleteYeah people like that are only trying to feel better about themselves and just need a good smack upside the head sometimes, or the rum haha "The Clap" will never be topped LOL
ReplyDeleteThat is a great life lesson, it's sad that she felt she had to bring you down in order to make herself feel better. Humans are peculiar. And the name Adriene de Wolfe sounds like some kind of Countess from another age.
ReplyDeleteThis is a great post. I had a friend I had to dismiss. Somedays I want to pick up the phone and say hello but I wouldn't want to find myself in the same position where she hurt my feelings. I know exactly what you mean when you say, not being a victim so she could feel important. A friend shouldn't make you feel small and insignificant.
ReplyDeleteOnce I learned that we are only responsible for our own reactions to other people's words and actions, my life has been pretty great. I am so glad you learned this and can move on.
ReplyDeleteThat is a great perspective--and very guilt freeing. That pulled some events into focus for me.
ReplyDeleteLooking forward to your book release. Don't ever ever consider giving up writing!
Your blog looks great. I'm so proud of you and all you've learned and accomplished. And I had no idea I'm a rock star. I can't wait to tell my kids. What a fool Dr. X is, giving up a rock star. Oh. Wait. Does that mean I'm a geologist and not a spandex wearing cool singer?
ReplyDeleteLove,
Janie
The best kind of rock star ever! I'm thinking maybe you're a lead singer. Then you could have a group of attractive men playing all the instruments as you sing songs that--you wrote the lyrics to. ;)
DeleteI found out that people like your ex-friend are mean and negative because they want you to be as miserable as they are, misery loves company. I'm glad you've realized she was no real friend. Oh, and you're so pretty :)
ReplyDeleteI'm glad I realized too. Thank you, Alessandra.
DeleteSee God sent her to you to give you the guidence you needed and the support you needed to lift you up and keep you going and for that I am pleased.......
ReplyDeleteNow is it me or has your blog changed for the better I might add it has a fresh new look or did I hit my head and am confused.......
I'm so thrilled that you like the way the blog looks :)
DeleteI'm so sorry your friend made you doubt yourself so much. I feel your pain as I've been there myself with both friends and family. Not with my writing but with my insecurities about wanting them to like me so much! It hurts when you don't get what you give back. With age, I've learned to believe in myself and put others opinions aside. I still listen but I try not to get so caught up in it anymore.
ReplyDeleteWith my writing, I did have someone "sock it to me" so badly I almost gave up. But in the long run... those mean words about my writing only made me work even harder to prove them wrong! Adriennes advise sounds wonderful and thanks for sharing your story.
Now, I'm giving you another change to talk about one of your wonderful stories. I've tagged you for the Be Inspired Meme'. Take a look! http://www.allynstotz.blogspot.com/
I'm so excited to go check it out. Thank you ;)
DeleteThanks so much, everyone. I feel better after writing this. It's as if a burden has been lifted. Yahoo for lifted burdens ;)
ReplyDeleteI am sorry to hear that you have a friend like this- I think we have all been there. It is especially difficult when it has been a long standing friendship. I am glad that the advice you got about writing helped you to see the characters in your own life for who they were. Hopefully distancing yourself a bit will help you to feel more confident (I think it will). :) Your writing touches so many people. Don't forget that!
ReplyDeleteOh, I had a boss once who told me "if a guy treated you like this, you would have no trouble breaking up with him" That taught me a lesson.....although I have a friend that I love, I can not have a day to day relationship with her because she brings me wayyyyyyy down! Having read Bible Girl and the Bad Boy twice, I can attest it's a great book and well worth reading! You're a captivating writer and should never consider stopping!
ReplyDeleteNancy,
DeleteThat is a very interesting way of looking at it--I like that.
What a great compliment about "Bible Girl and the Bad Boy." Thank you! ;)
-E
I know a few people who never learned how to be positive about anything. They learned at the knee to criticize & denigrate. I honestly believe they do not realize(not all of them, some definitely) what they are doing. They have only learned that love hurts.
ReplyDeleteDear Elisa, this posting tells us so much about you. (Of course, we also learn some wonderful things about the author Adrienne Wolfe.) You have the ability to take the suggestions with others and use them to help you shape your life. That's a great gift. Peace.
ReplyDeleteWas she jealous of you? Interesting that you loved her in spite of her behaviour. You must have a big heart.
ReplyDeleteI don't know if she was jealous. She had a terrible childhood and I think she picked up bad habits from her parents while trying to deal with all the hurt. It's just sad those habits continue today. I really hope she'll find happiness. It's hard when feeling like someone was like a sister once and yet they still act this way.
DeleteTo all of you awesome people-
ReplyDeleteYour encouragement means so much ;)