Wednesday, March 5, 2014

How to Have an Ugly Baby

I swear I'm not making this up . . .

To have an ugly baby you must:

#1    Swoon Mr. Bean

#2    Eat unhealthily . . . healthy eating leads to cute babies.  Unhealthy eating--if it involves coke and chips--also leads to cute babies.  If you're wanting to pack an ugly, you must eat things like MSG and those gummy candies with loads of dye in them!

#3    You must have whoopie in the light.  Darkness leads to cute babies.  If you're going for an ugly one, please keep the lights on full blast.  Buy photography spotlights if you have to, construction lights, I don't care; just do it!

#4    Have your man drink three cups of coffee right before making "the ugly."  Three cups--to the drop--no more, no less.

#5    Never--UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES--eat cereal. This is a fatal 'no, no' as cereal leads to ultimate cuteness.  I've watched it happen time and again.  Mothers who eat cereal have prize-winning babies.  I know a baby named Sam who's a cover model--trust me, her mom ate cereal.

#6    The reverse cowboy position is your bane.  Don't do it!  Anything to do with cowboys . . . it leads to cute babies.

Well, I guess not ALL things related to cowboys.
Cowboy Mimes might actually help babies cross over to the ugly side!  I normally LOVE mimes, but this is just strange--in a Joker kind of way!

So, with all that being said . . . I'm totally kidding.  I googled "How to have a boy" and most of this information came up as what NOT to do.   Whether you believe it or not, that's up to you, but for me . . . I think it's hilariously awesome!

I've been thinking of babies filled with ugliness because of my friend's daughter.   She came over and randomly told me some of her theories on life.  "I know how to make an ugly baby," she said.
    I cleared my throat and after wiping the shock from my face, squinted in her direction and said, "Oh, really?  And how does one go about . . . making an ugly baby?"
    "Well, two ugly people, will make an ugly baby.  Two good looking people, will make an ugly baby.  The only way to have a cute baby, is if you have one ugly person and one cute person."
    "So . . . you better find yourself an ugly man," I said.
    "Exactly," she said and plopped down on my couch. 
    "But what about Depp?" I asked knowing she has a thing for good ol' Johnny.
    "Johnny Depp?" she asked.
    She thought for a minute.  "If I married him, then I'd adopt.  People have to make concessions sometimes."

We always have the funniest conversations.  I'm just glad I'm not the only one who has such awesome theories.
Do you have any golden theories?  I hope you do because I'd love to read them!


  1. My theory is: If you can't leave your problems at home, you should stay there and keep them company!

    I have no theory, however, for how YOU manage to do so much with your time - you are a true force/freak of nature!

  2. Hmmm, no theories here, but a very amusing post! Of course I think I have the world's cutest baby, but I'm a little biased!

  3. When I was pregnant, I ate cereal morning, noon, night and in between! That must be why coras so cute! Lol

  4. Ha. I want to meet this girl. It would be interesting to.hear some of her other theories on life.

  5. Egads...I sure am glad I never had sex for the pleasure of it...that might have produced an ugly baby :-)

  6. Groan! Only my kid would come up with stuff like that and actually repeat it! lol I love that kid. I never know what she's going to say. She once informed me that bunnies are deceptive little creatures. They are cute and cuddely but secretly plan on taking over the world! I guess that is what I get for encouraging her to use her imagination. lol

  7. Oh a theory that I have. When boys learn to pee in the toilet instead of all the way around it Hell will freeze over.

  8. Oh my goodness - just hurt my face a bit laughing through this. You had me forever hooked at "Anything to do with cowboys . . . it leads to cute babies." Haha!

    Your friend's daughter sounds amazing! How old is she? My son is 3 and a half and enjoys telling anyone who will listen that "I'm so beautiful because my Mummy and Daddy made me out of love!" with the biggest grin on his face. It rocks.

  9. Oh, my goodness, you are amazing. I scrolled down and read the past few days, including the amazing sky diving video. You are such a brave crazy woman! Inspiring. Make a book of all your blogs, so people who don't use computers can see your amazing family, hunky husband, and you (a mighty cute baby-producer).

  10. She's almost seventeen--and soooo much fun ;)

    Awesome theories and I'm starting to think that my idea about cereal is golden LOL!

  11. Just wanted you to know that I have nominated you for the Versatile Blogger Award. Please check my site for the info!

  12. An extremely hilarious post!!! I love the Mister Bean

    Thanks for signing up at my blog.


  13. Funny post! Thanks for following me, following you back. Look forward to your future posts!

  14. So Funny!...I love that she made you the exception to the rule...Too Sweet :)

  15. My friend was telling me a horror story of her dealing with an unattractive baby. She took her little girl to her friends house for a visit, and said baby was sleeping so she took her little girl creeping into the nursery for a peek. When her little girl looked in she blurted out.
    'Look Mummy! A monkey!'
    My friend put her hand straight over her daughters mouth in horror, and dragged her out of their quick smart! hahaha.....Oh out of the mouth of babes!!

  16. My theory involves the color orange and a crazy girl with a prediliction for a good pot o' soup, but I can't reveal it just yet...still testing 'er out.

    I may be signed in as my husband, yet again, so heads up.

  17. Haha, funny post. Wondering what I ate to get two boys that are cute and stubborn.

  18. Hysterical! Love it! I saw that you found me through bloggymoms and are following me... wanted to let you know that I'm following you back! Smiles! -Jenn

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  20. I'm not pretty, but it can be done with a little bit of make-up to enhance my beauty. Overall, I'm fit with good body form (proportionate). So, I'm attractive enough to fool a good looking man. Lol. However, my daughter is said to be beautiful and she is becoming more and prettier as she grows older. Some family and friends said that my child is made in a lab. I'm certainly not bragging about it. I'm making a point that some people are genetically attractive either dominantly, or by their recessive genes. However, if you look at her face, everything is perfect. She has a symmetrical face that makes it friendlier to your eyes which trick the brain that draw you to the conclusion she has a pretty face.

  21. Thank you I needed a good laugh this afternoon