Tuesday, May 15, 2012

I'm feeling suicidal, what should I do?

    I was looking through search topics that brought people to my site, and this one broke my heart: 
"I'm feeling suicidal what do I do?"
    I can't describe how many emotions are running through me right now.  "Why?" you ask.  Maybe it's because I've been there.
    I'm not a professional . . . I don't have a simple answer, so today, I took time to write a story that shows how I feel.  When I'm depressed, this line of thinking gets me through.  I hope it will help someone else as well.

    Once, a long time ago, a father lived in a cottage which sat in the middle of a bright, magical forest.   Part of him had crumpled and died from sadness after riding through the test of fate, but new-found joy came from his housekeeper and two children who stayed with him.  His children were very young though, and if their father died, they wouldn't have remembered his name or even his face.  
    The father and housekeeper looked out through the window, and thought about all of this as the children played outside, enjoying the shade and bounty the trees offered.  It was then that the forest turned dark with pain.  The very trees bent away from the cottage, cringing as if they grasped the mood of everything around.  
    A knock resounded from the front door.
    "Hello?" The father answered the door, then his eyes turned wary.  
    A massive snake slithered into the house, grew and billowed, smoking into the shape of a man who was pale, dismal and graying.
    "What do you want?" the father asked.
    "The lives of your two children."
    "Haven't you taken enough from me, Levi?" the father spat.  "Do what you're best at--go prey on the weak.  Leave what's left of my family alone!"
    "Are you afraid?" the evil man asked, chuckling softly.
    "Never!  You're beneath me; your very presence has no power here."  But the father did seem worried despite his truthful words.
    "Then you won't mind taking a wager.  I bet that if your children couldn't see you or even touch you, they would turn into greedy or self-loathing people."
    "No they wouldn't," the father yelled.  "Not my children."
    "Ha!  Well, then, give them the chance.  Let's see what happens to these amazing children without guidance from you or their insignificant housekeeper.  I'll spare their lives now, but if they do fall for my ploys, then when they die, I get to keep their souls."
     The housekeeper ran into the room and tugged on the father's arm.  "No," she pleaded.
    The father didn't listen though.  "You'll both see the power of a human heart," the father said and shook hands with Levi, the darkly-clothed sorcerer.

    Years passed and although the children no longer saw their father, the housekeeper or even the cottage they'd once lived in, they survived in ignorance.  
    The father was a powerful magician as well, and when he'd bargained with Levi, he'd used magics of his own.  Yes, his children couldn't see him or touch him, but if they wished, they could still sense his presence.
    He watched them grow and every time they fell or got hurt, fought or cried, he wished he could protect them from the pain.  But he couldn't, he'd made an unbreakable deal, and his protection could only do so much.
    "I hate him!" the boy said when he was a teenager.
    "Who?" his sister asked.
     "Our father, if we ever had a father.  Our parents must have left us alone in the middle of a forest.  I don't know about you, but I'm getting out of here."
    So, they left together.  And as they traveled, the father and housekeeper followed them closely.
    Rain and snow came, but the housekeeper protected them.  She'd always had a special relationship with the elements, and so she used it to help the children while they were growing up.
   The father nearly cringed when they passed beyond his property because although he couldn't do anything, they were entering the lands of Levi the sorcerer.
    The second they passed the boundary, a strange woman appeared before the two teenage children.  "Are you lost?" she asked.
    "No," the boy answered, "but we would like to find our way out of here."
    "Well what are you seeking?" she crooned.  "After all, the only thing worth seeking is power.  I can bring you to a place where riches can be found and friends can be bought.  Your wildest dreams can come true."
    The girl didn't seem convinced, but her brother jumped at the chance. "Take us there."  
    So they traveled with the woman, and the whole time the father and housekeeper tried warning them with whispers and worries, "Don't follow her.  She's really Levi!"
    But the teenagers couldn't hear the warnings.  And when it came time that they saw a beautiful castle in the distance, the brother sneaked off before anyone could wake up.  He figured if he earned a fortune, he wanted it all to himself.
    The father and housekeeper grieved over the son's poor choice.  But nothing could be done--he'd shown his worth.
    When the sister woke up, no one was there.  In fact, where the old woman had slept, the only thing in her place was a glistening knife.      
    The girl turned her face away. She held her knees close to herself, and cried.  "I'm so alone.  Doesn't anyone know what it's like living this way?  My brother left me.  I never wanted gold or jewels, I just wanted someone to really appreciate me.  There's nothing to live for!"
    "Then do it," a voice whispered into the recesses of her mind.      
    Although Levi, in his true form, stood behind her, he'd made himself invisible to her.  "Your brother is greedy; now you're the most pitiful human known to man.  Just end it now.  KILL . . . YOURSELF.  The world would be better without you."    
    The young girl sobbed even harder.  At first the notion seemed ridiculous, almost silly.  But as she sat there for hours, the more she thought, she nodded.  Maybe it wasn't so silly after all . . .
    "Don't!" the father screamed.  He and the housekeeper had been watching the whole time.  
    Levi laughed as the girl picked up the knife which had rested where the woman had been.  "One simple action could end it all."
    "No," the father ran to her.  "I'm here, I've been here.  You can't see me, but I know you're strong enough to make the right choice.  Don't kill yourself!  Please just open your heart and you'll feel my presence."
    But the girl, so absorbed in her own pain and self-pity, could not hear her own father.  
    "You're terrible. Filthy!"
    "Stop it!" she screamed aloud.  "Won't anyone ever love me.  But why would they?  I am so pathetic."
    The knife came closer, closer to her wrists. 
    It wasn't until the housekeeper sent a wind toward the girl, that she paused in her action.  
    The father tried taking away the knife, but he couldn't.  The choice--the victory if she conquered this test and lived--that would belong solely to the girl.  She sniffled into the wind, sat in the middle of a beautiful meadow, and no longer saw the beauty of life.
    The father cried then, big tears which seemed strange coming from such a strong man and as he cried, the wind carried his tears and they fell on his daughter's cheeks.
    "If she only knew that someone out there loved her.  If she didn't feel so worthless."  The father bent and hugged her.  "I love you.  I'm so sorry.  I wish I could take away the pain, but this is something you have to conquer on your own," he said.  "Please be strong!  I promise things will get better if you just hang in there."
    The knife came closer and then wavered.  
    "I love you," he said one last time, and as the winds subsided, the beautiful girl looked up, confused.  Pain filled her eyes. "Father?" she asked.  The knife slowly fell from her hand.  "Father!" 
    "Yes," her father said expectantly, and his daughter actually heard him.  
    She stood and looked around as a gentle understanding lit her face.  "Things will get better?" she said.  
    "They will."  He stood so proud.  She proved herself strong, resilient in adversity.  She'd faced one of the biggest battles in life--and overcome depression. 
    "Because this is my one life to live," she nodded.  Her face turned to the fading wind and she smiled.  "I'm so glad you're real."  Then her eyes looked at the glowing city.  "I need to tell my brother."
    Levi screamed more upset than he'd been in centuries.  "Leave your brother alone!"
    "Leviathan," the father said using Levi's full name.  "You may think you've gained my son.  But  remember . . . you've lost my daughter.  She was never weak enough for you, and now she's going to share her strength with my son!  My power multiplies growing with love and knowledge.  Your strength only feeds off the weak!"
    Leviathan turned to angry vapor as the father and housekeeper followed the girl.
    "Levi's on his way to influence my son."
    "But she hears you now," the house keeper said.  "Don't lose hope."
    The girl walked ahead of them.  The rising sun kissed her dancing hair and resolute face.
    "She is beautiful," Father God said to the housekeeper.
    "Of course," Mother Nature Replied.  "She was made in your image."  
    They held each others' hands as they followed the daughter, and walked toward the city where each human in tested and tried.

    In closing, I just wanted to write something to the person who googled this . . .
   YOU are special!  
    There have been three times when I've depressed to the point of being suicidal.

    Once, in high school, certain kids were being VERY mean to me.  I asked for help from a teacher and a youth pastor as well.  Unfortunately neither of them helped me.  It was at that point I decided I had some abusive, toxic relationships in my life.
    So, point one is: If you're feeling suicidal because of things people have or are telling you, break off those relationships and surround yourself with people who realize your worth.

   The next time I thought about suicide was months after my son died.  I came through that because I knew, deep down, things would get better.  Life is how you see it.  Choose to see good and you'll see it.  Choose to see bad, and you'll see that too.
    At that point in my life, I started looking beyond myself and my own problems, I began helping others.  Doing this--helping others in need often takes the focus of yourself and will help you realize your own value as well as the value of others.  How can you help?  What is your place in this world?  We're all special, find what makes you special by helping others in the way only you can.  If you've been hurt by someone, find others who have gone through similar things.  Help them!
   Point two: If you're suicidal, look for the good and also try to help someone else.  

    The last time I struggled with this was several years ago when I had SEVERE postpartum.  
    Point three: If you're having thoughts that don't seem logical at times--even to yourself--seek professional help.  

    These resources are often free!
Call a suicide hotline: 1-800-273-8255
Or call for prayer: 1-800-759-0700

Find online resources:

    I know this post might seem silly, but I felt compelled to write it after reading what someone searched.  

Dear reader,
    Please know how special you are.  Whether you believe in God or not, you have to admit we're all different.  You have something amazing and wonderful to offer the world.  Don't give up now.     
    There's a whole future waiting just for you.  Grab ahold of life and don't let go.  Just imagine the positive impact you can make on the lives of others.  Think how many people could learn from your story.
    Things will get better.  Just hang in there.  You are not alone.  And like I wrote before YOU ARE SPECIAL! 


  1. Very good advice as you always give, hopefully the reader came back and saw or at least you helped a few others.

  2. Wonderful post. I'm so glad you seeked help and I hope your reader does as well.

    1. I'm sorry- that was very bad english on my comment *seeked*- doesn't sound right

  3. Beautiful story. Hope your words touch those who need them.

  4. Well, the title did draw me to your blog, though I knew with all the good things going on in your life that this was not for you.

    When someone cries out for help they are not ready; they want help.

  5. Wonderful post & great advice!I'm sure this will help many!

  6. OMG! I was so worried. I thought it was you. Still, anyone's suicidal thoughts are nothing to dismiss. When I was a psych. major in college in a volunteer on the suicide hotline. We didn't fix their problems of course; but at least someone was there late at night when they needed a sympathetic ear to get them through the night til they could get some help the next day.

  7. Awesome post and I am sure it will help others.

  8. You are very brave. Thank you for sharing your story. It made me cry and feel hopeful all in the same moments.

  9. This was a very thoughtful, well written post with some excellent advice!

  10. It doesn't seem silly at all. You wrote an excellent story and gave excellent advice.


  11. I love that story! I know the person who needs to read this will and will be helped! Thank you for reaching out to so many!

  12. IT's a great post, but have you posted it before? Or maybe I'm losing my mind. Which could be it entirely, really since, well.... that's par for the course for me. :)

    Anyhooo.... Wonderfully written.

    EVERYONE'S life matters.

    1. I did post this one before ;) My computer is in the shop and the only way I can get on here is with my phone or on my friend's computer. I'm so glad blogger has the "schedule" option. ;)

  13. Excellent advice! I think it is great that you put this post out there. So true!


  14. I think many times if people take the focus off themselves and put it on others that feeling of being lost and hopeless fades. I know because I've been there also. Great advice as usual munchkin