Tuesday, June 1, 2021

A Book on a Grave

On Zeke's birthday I visited his grave and left a published copy of his book there.  It was my final way of saying goodbye.  I can't describe how bittersweet that felt.  At the time I had a romantic notion that God and Zeke were somehow guiding me.  I'd leave the book, and then the right person would find it—that's what I hoped for anyway.

After returning from his grave, I cried and cried at the computer because I was finally saying goodbye—after so many years of grieving over my son. 

Months passed after the publication in November of 2011, and my life, my marriage, and everything spiraled out of control.  One day, I sat on my bed and thought about how tough life can be. BUT even during the worst of my life—when Zeke died—God helped me the entire time.

“God," I prayed then, remembering.  "I'm worried about everything.  My life is falling apart.  I don't know what I'm doing anymore."

My oldest daughter knocked on my bedroom door.  "Mom?  Are you okay?"

“I'm fine."  I cleared my throat, then wiped the tears from my eyes.  "I can be strong," my voice came out as a whisper.  After all, it wasn't like Zeke was dying again.  

I hugged my daughter, went downstairs, and hopped on my computer.  It still amazes me how the strangest things can happen at the perfect times.  In that exact moment, the tides shifted a little for me.  I’d received an unexpected message.

“Hi...you don’t know me,” the message said. “You see, Zeke's grave is right next to my sister's grave. I went to put some decorations on her grave and Zeke's too. I’ve been putting a little something on his when I go out there as well, and I came across a copy of your book. It touched me in ways that you will not know. I am so glad you let me share in it. I cried when I read the part when Zeke passed.... I hope my sister is up there enjoying Zeke as well as a lot of your family members are. She loved children. I just wanted you to know how I felt and that I will continue to leave things on Zeke's grave if that is okay. I feel even closer to him now that I know his story. We lost my sister to breast cancer at the age of 45, and I was very close to her.”

I paused reading that part. I felt so much for this woman. But a strange peace filled my heart, just knowing that our family members are next to each other, and that she’d been leaving things for Zeke for so many years.

“God bless you and your family,” the message ended. “Take care!”

Reading that email, I realized something important: There's a difference between letting go and just saying goodbye.  Sometimes we don’t have to totally let go.

This Memorial Day, I felt bad that I wouldn’t be able to travel to Zeke's grave in Utah.  The doctors just released me from the hospital on Saturday, and I didn’t have the strength to travel back to Utah again today.

“I just wish I could do something special to honor him,” I told a friend. Imagine my surprise when she sent me a photo from the library. The staff chose “The Golden Sky” to feature this Memorial Day weekend....

It never ceases to amaze me how God is looking out for each of us. I hope Zeke knows how much I love him—and how I still remember. I’m so grateful the library featured his story so other people could meet my son this Memorial Day and remember him too.

Life is full of so many miracles.

Find out more about Zeke’s book here: https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B00DHTQ55A/ref=tmm_aud_swatch_0?ie=UTF8&qid=&sr=


  1. I not only own the book but have rread it more then once

  2. You are one tough cookie. And I'm sure an inspiration to so many.

  3. i am here from Dee 's place dear Elisa
    she shares about your health issues and specially how strongly and bravely you respond to them .i am blessed to know you through blogging .you are an inspiration for all of us indeed!
    i am sorry you lost your son as mentioned in this post ,no grief can be bigger than this ,i know because my mother had lost her son when he was hardly thirteen because of tuberculosis.i saw her crying her for my brother for years as he died yesterdy.yet she was in love with lef and everything about life and this nurtured us as her children!
    peace and health to you and your family!

  4. I will never forget the book about Zeke, your loss, your love. Sending love...