Monday, January 9, 2017

I got to ride in the back of a cop car PART II

I'm not here to be nice; I'm here to be honest.  Most cops are awesome, really.  But 90% of the female cops I've met act like they have something to prove. I've tried befriending them if they've ever pulled me over for (slightly) speeding.  Yeah, they don't wanna be friends.  They're all business.  Have you ever tried talking your way out of ticket, with a chick cop?  Good luck if you're a girl.  They'll see ALL of your excuses before you even use 'em! It's like my mom back in the 90s!  She knew freakin' everything!
    So--to recap--I broke down on my way to work, did my best to get my car off the road (aka pushed it into a snowdrift next to me) and then, after ariving to work, got a call from the sheriff's department.
    "You lost a car?" the female cop asked, like the biggest theft of 2017 had just happened.
    "It broke down.  My husband should be there any minute to move it to a parking lot." Yep, that man is so happy he married me--like I said last week, it ain't boring.
    "Well, your car is causing quite a scene.  Traffic is jammed," she said. "You have to move it now! Or I'm gonna tow the thing!"
    #1 We live in a small town in Idaho.....
    #2 Can you have a traffic jam--when people think a two-minute-wait is rush hour? 
    #3 What, were all ten people in town stuck behind my car???
    #4 This was the most excitement she'd had in days.
    #5 Wait, we actually have a tow truck driver in town? *fistpump
     I remained silent for a second too long.
     "You need to move your car!" she yelled.
     "Great. I can run there right now.  I'm just a couple of blocks away," I said.  And I was trying to be understanding, really.  My car was to the side of the road--with its flashers on. The town had called a snow day. And it was -18 degrees.  And maybe it was causing problems....
    "It'll be cold. But I'll make it." I could picture myself at the "crime scene" icecicles hanging from my nose.  My skin would be Elsa-blue.  My eyes would be clear pools of sadness as I crawled, reaching out with frostbitten hands.
    "Hold up, hotshot!" she said.  "You ain't walkin' in this weather. I'll send the boys over to bring you to your car."
    "Ummm.Okay? In a cop car?" I blinked, seriously.
    "Yep. That IS how us cops get around." 
    This could be awesome! "Okay!"
     "Where you at, hon?" I'd gone from "hotshot" to "hon" in less than 30 seconds.
     I gave her the address, ran to the front of the building and called my husband.
    "Where are you?" I asked.
    "Got held up with my boss.  I'll be there in just a minute."
    The cop car SUV pulled up at that exact moment and two huge dudes stepped from the front cab.  "Ma'am, you're the one with the Honda?"
    "That would be me."
    The first cop opened the back door.  This was like getting a ride in a limo with a chauffeur! At least that's what I thought until I got in.
    "Normally we handcuff people who get in here. Do we need to handcuff you?" he joked.
     I shook my head emphatically. "No way."
    "Do you have any weapons on you?" he asked.
    "Just a pen." I laughed.
    He. Did. Not! Think that was funny. Instead of even cracking a smile, he buckled me in and slammed the door. 
    The seats were so hard.  The glass was right up in my face!  How do criminals even handle that?!
    Then I realized there wasn't even a handle on the inside--which totally makes sense, but still!
    Good thing it wasn't a long ride because I was about to start clawing the door!
    After a minute, the SUV stopped and the driver let me out.  "So what did you think of your first ride in a cop car?"
    "Well, it's not a good profession for someone who's claustrophobic. And the seats are so hard!"
    "It makes them easier to clean up, for when people throw up on them."
    My face went from whiter-then-death, to I-just-threw-up-in-my-mouth. "I've only been a criminal for 5 minutes, but I'm ready to turn from my life of crime!" 
    My husband showed up shortly after, and that superhero even got the car to start.  I told him the whole story and laughed because the "traffic-jam" only involved MY car!
    Anyway, all in all it was amazing day--and I loved it.

   A lot of crazy things have been happening lately though.  Like my son bringing a shock pen to school.  Maybe I should tell you about THAT tomorrow!