Monday, December 23, 2013

Do you ever doubt what you believe?

The mud bubbled and boiled, popping into the crisp morning air.  A voice boomed high above, unintelligible to anyone except the forces of nature.  

    The mud boiled further, until becoming a cacophony of snaps and cracks.  To anyone watching, it may have seemed at times that the mud actually took shape, slowly coming together and then apart, ebbing and flowing as if breathing on its own. 
    As the mud came together one last time, God sighed.  So this was the beginning of humanity.  This little puddle of mud would be the beginning of wars, heartache, death, and famine. 
    He could end it now.  Forget the story of creation, and quash the creature being formed in the mud. . . .  Awe, but God knew there was a point to everything.  Despite the future generations who might blame God for all of their own trials, He knew that through pain comes joy.  Through loss . . . understanding.  So he breathed onto the mud (and it was a minty breath--because let's face it, God invented spearmint before Wrigley's was even in business!)
    At this point, an actually man stood from the mud pot, some darkened clay mixture slicking off his tanned body.  "Adam. Son," God, said to the man.  And He smiled, seeing all that He had made and knowing that it was "Good."

Inspired by Genesis 1:31.  And the fact that I LOVE spearmint!  

God saw all that He had made, and it was very good. 

    I don't feel very "good" lately.  In fact I feel like the biggest sinner on earth.  
    I joined a Christian band, but I told them I'll only stay for practice.  I don't want to get up on stage where people can see me play the violin.
    The leader is kick a**--see I'm not as straight-laced as I should be.  Let me take that back; she's very cool.  She said that just 'cause I feel like a sinner, that doesn't make everyone else exempt.  And that everyone else might be better at hiding their sins, but for me, I'm as transparent as cellophane.  Pretty hilarious because it's true.
    It's not that I'm the worst person.  It's just that sometimes I don't know what I believe anymore.  And I get confused because I may be making the "wrong" choice, but it feels "right."
    Granted, I've been through some horrific things lately.  And the one solid thing I know is that I love God.  I'm not sure where life will go.  I can look back and feel amazed that I've made it through some of the hard things that I have...  Maybe I just need to remember this romantic notion (since it's getting me through): 
If God knows the past, the present, and the future, that means He knew what humanity would be like...even down to little ol' me.  And if He thought His creation was "good" even knowing all the crappy things we would do, maybe I'm not so bad off after all.

    So, I still won't fiddle up on stage in front of everyone--because I've never been excited about hypocrisy--but I was wondering, do you ever feel like this?  Do you ever make "wrong" choices that feel right?  Do you ever doubt what you were raised to believe--and then feel like your disbelief is sinful?

Signing off,
A Violinist Who May Be A Little Too Honest?