Saturday, August 24, 2013

And it all came crashing down...

Do you ever feel like your whole world is crashing down? Like everything you believed in, hoped for, dreamed of, is suddenly gone?

It's all been taken away, by something I should have seen long ago. But I didn't want to see it.
So now where am I? Just in quicksand. That's all... Lost, and sinking.

Quicksand was terrifying at first because I struggled for years not wanting to go down deeper in the muck.
I'm not struggling now though. And I'm sinking slowly, slowly seeing it for what it is.

I always worried I'd die slow. I just didn't know that the death I saw coming was the death of who I am.

So here I am sinking...quicksand. No one can really help though because it isn't a physical death I'm scared of. It's what comes after the quicksand. I've dreamed of it many times. Hands reaching up from the River Styx--except usually I'm in the boat as the undead beg me to pull them out.

Not this time though; not after I've been in the quicksand.

This time I'm in the murky waters. Other dead souls are clamoring to push me to the depths while they seek solace in the boat. I look at the ferryman's glazed black eyes and watch as the poor living soul, who's being ferried, tries ignoring all those reaching up to him. And as I sink to the depths, I can't stop thinking, "That used to be me in the boat. That used to be me..."

After 12 years of being married, Cade and I are getting divorced. I won't go into details. I don't want you to think badly of either of us. But it is something that needs to be done, and it's hard.

64 comments:

  1. I'm truly sorry to hear it. No bad thoughts toward anyone and no judgement. Just a sincere hope that you both get through this.

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  2. Oh please, sweet friend, look up from the murky waters. Summon every last ounce of strength and stretch out your hand. There is One who wants to grab your hand, lift you out, and dry your tears. I love you, Elisa. I am praying for you. Remember:
    "I waited patiently for the Lord;
    he turned to me and heard my cry.
    He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
    out of the mud and mire;
    he set my feet on a rock
    and gave me a firm place to stand.
    He put a new song in my mouth,
    a hymn of praise to our God.
    Many will see and fear the Lord
    and put their trust in him." Psalm 40

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  3. I feel your pain and anguish...something that helps me to remember is, 'All will be well'...eventually. Sending you hugs.

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  4. You have told the story of your life with Cade up to now. You need to write what you feel and maybe one day you will share that also. You have children you both love and will always be connected through them.

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  5. Beautiful woman of God, may you feel warm arms reaching out to hold you. We will support you in prayer, listen when you want to talk and send love when you don't have words for the pain in your heart.

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  6. I am so sorry, this is a very hard time and nothing can make it better except to get through it. Although I almost always read your posts, I don't usually comment, but this one I figured I'd better let you know I am feeling your pain. Sending you cyber hugs...

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  7. Oh, I am so very sorry for you, my friend. No judgement here, just virtual hugs and real prayers being sent for you. You are a strong woman. You are pressed but not crushed, struck down but not destroyed. One foot in front of the other.

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  8. Aw sweet girl I fear there are no words. But rest assured there is much love and thoughts for you in this difficult time. xoxo

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  9. Even though I have not been a constant commenter I have followed you for a long time. You have been an inspiration to me and I just wanted you to know that I too am sorry this is happening and feel you will come out of this stronger and still able to bless people like this old man in NC. Know that you are not alone.
    Hugs,
    Odie

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  10. Been in the sand twice, one kind of litter that doesn't play nice. I guess it got tired of getting crapped in and found it to be a sin. So one day it decided enough was enough and it was time to get rough. Starting sucking and never stopped, happy that no more dung dropped. So now we live with being the dung, being sucked down from things that once we clung.

    That just came out lol but things eventually do get built back up, hang on in there. Don't go down any rabbit hole at your lair.

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  11. I am SO sorry! My thoughts and prayers will be with you..I have been through this and I know it is not easy, especially with children. May God help you and be with you both...

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  12. I'm so sorry to hear this, Elisa. My thoughts and prayers for you and your super sweet kiddos. Cling to them. Hold them. Be strong for them. Sometimes life pushes us in a direction we didn't plan for or want to go, but is sometimes necessary when looking back. You're not looking back yet. Now's not the time. But someday soon. Keep your head up and lean on your family. Best wishes to you and yours <3

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  13. I wondered how you would post this news. I hope you are still keeping a journal--look how that helped you (& others) after Zeke's passing. I love you & the kids!!

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  14. Praying for you and yours. We never understand why life happens the way it does, but if we sometimes close our eyes and push forward we can find happy again.

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  15. Blogging has been the best therapy for me.

    Love,
    Janie

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  16. Been there. All I can say is what someone else said to me when I needed to hear it: You are strong. You're strong enough to get through it. Be strong for your kids.

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  17. Please know that you are amazing and so are your kids. You can do this. xo

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  18. I reiterate my previous sentiment. Whatever you need.

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  19. Branden and I will be surrounding your family with prayers as you go through this difficult process.

    Lots of love,
    Maggie

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  20. I am so so sorry Elizabeth. I went through this last year and I can say that it DOES get better...it just takes time. You will heal and in time you'll be stronger than ever.

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  21. Oh no! This is my first time checking back in a while, and I'm heartbroken for you. I can't imagine. No judgement here, friend.

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  22. God bless you. I haven't been here in a long time and am so sorry to hear you are going through such a rough time. I will keep you in my prayers.

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  23. Elise, I didn't know. I am so very, very sorry. If you get a chance, can you call?

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  24. I don't even know what to say other than I'm sorry. My heart hurts so much for you right now. No matter what the reasons, no judgements, ever. We haven't the right. Please contact me when you need a distraction and we'll go do something fun. Or ya know...just sit somewhere and cry.

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  25. you have my deepest sympathies. my parents divorced while i was in my twenties and although i was out of the house, i took it hard. i know it was harder on them but i am sorry for you and i hope you are able to stay strong! you are awesome!

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  26. Sorry I have not been around much my friend. After all the things the two of you have been through, how sad it is to see that your love story would end like this!

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  27. I have been away from blogging, so I had no idea. I remember my divorce from my first husband as one of the most difficult things I ever went through. Even though I had no kids. You have strength and courage and you have the kids, so you will come through this. Sink holes and quick sand are just not for women like you. You may sink for a while, to your ankles, perhaps, but then you will come back and step lightly across to continue your life on the other side. Meanwhile, I'm sending hugs and good thoughts.

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