Saturday, August 24, 2013

And it all came crashing down...

Do you ever feel like your whole world is crashing down? Like everything you believed in, hoped for, dreamed of, is suddenly gone?

It's all been taken away, by something I should have seen long ago. But I didn't want to see it.
So now where am I? Just in quicksand. That's all... Lost, and sinking.

Quicksand was terrifying at first because I struggled for years not wanting to go down deeper in the muck.
I'm not struggling now though. And I'm sinking slowly, slowly seeing it for what it is.

I always worried I'd die slow. I just didn't know that the death I saw coming was the death of who I am.

So here I am sinking...quicksand. No one can really help though because it isn't a physical death I'm scared of. It's what comes after the quicksand. I've dreamed of it many times. Hands reaching up from the River Styx--except usually I'm in the boat as the undead beg me to pull them out.

Not this time though; not after I've been in the quicksand.

This time I'm in the murky waters. Other dead souls are clamoring to push me to the depths while they seek solace in the boat. I look at the ferryman's glazed black eyes and watch as the poor living soul, who's being ferried, tries ignoring all those reaching up to him. And as I sink to the depths, I can't stop thinking, "That used to be me in the boat. That used to be me..."

After 12 years of being married, Cade and I are getting divorced. I won't go into details. I don't want you to think badly of either of us. But it is something that needs to be done, and it's hard.