An Inspiring Mother

It seems no matter where one might look, people are eager to impose limitations or expectations on others. They want us to do more and do better: become doctors, lawyers, or architects... But then, as we grow older or become ill, they demand that we do less. "Are you sure you're still safe while driving?" "How can you be so active when you're getting older?" Or, in my case, "It's not normal to be happy while fighting cancer. Elisa, you're living in denial." 

The silly thing is that I have both good and bad days. Just because people see one moment of our lives, that doesn't make them experts.

Last week, I spoke with my mother about this. "I refuse to act like I'm dead while I'm still busy living." Sure, life has changed, imposing its own limitations. I use a wheelchair for long distances. I can no longer go hiking, and I sleep an ungodly number of hours each day. I'm 41 years old, and certain things I loved are no longer on the table, but that doesn't mean I can no longer enjoy what I CAN do. Life is change, right? So we can either pivot... or fall. 

"I read an article the other day," my mom said. "It claims certain people are biologically equipped to handle hardship." She paused, then whispered something so quietly I had to ask her to repeat it. "It's just," she said, "if anyone was built to handle hardship, it's you."

My parents are wonderful, loving people, but compliments like this are years in the making. It made my heart swell.

They've worked hard to get where they are and expected me and my siblings to do the same. My dad built a drilling company from the ground up, and my mom was a successful musician (drummer) and later worked as a bookkeeper for many years. But things haven't always been easy for them, and knowing how hard they've fought to continually find the good—through my dad's battle against stage 4 cancer as well as the death of a grandchild... They had businesses go under before finding success and have braved other trials that somehow made their marriage stronger. Knowing all of that made her words resonate. "You're my hero, Mom. Really." 

My parents are in their mid-70s, and they rock climb nearly every day. My dad goes trap shooting and golfing every chance he gets, while my mom enjoys teaching line dancing lessons. I remember several years ago when someone tried imposing boundaries on them. "You're both getting older. You should slow down." But I'm proud that my parents didn't listen. They knew what they wanted and decided to simply go out and enjoy their lives.

"You've been through so many tough things," I said, "but you smile through it all. And you do it with such grace." Before fighting cancer, I never understood how much strength it takes to be gentle, good, forgiving, and hopeful. Those are the strengths I see in my mother. Those are the things I wish to find in myself.

"You won't believe what someone told me the other day." I knew she'd have good advice for me. "They said I must not be 'that sick' if I can make breakfast for the kids every day, smile, and do my makeup. You'd think doing my makeup is harder than raising the dead!"

My mom laughed. "Well, you're doing your best with what you can control." She took a deep breath. "I wish more people would get out and enjoy life." Then she told me how she recently attended a band audition AND got the job. "I'm playing gigs and everything, Elisa. I'm in a band again!"

I couldn't help smiling because every day is a surprise with those two. They were so good to me while I grew up, but now they're leading by example. I've realized more and more that I need to let go of the expectations and limitations people might want to impose on me. If oncologists are right and I'll die from melanoma at some point, it would be tragic to quit living before I'm even dead. So, I'll keep doing my makeup if I want to. I'll go for strolls with my family—whether walking or in a wheelchair. And I'll smile through the pain. 

If we can't muster even a bit of gratitude and enjoy what we have, what's the point? I'd rather make the best of my situation and learn how to enjoy every last moment of life that I can.

What is Happiness?

Mike and I don't go out much, so he seemed excited when an opportunity arose. A marketing company near the cancer center hired me to play my violin for an entrepreneurial workshop event. I'd make $94 for an hour (a rate suggested by a music union), but Mike and I would also get a free meal at the closing dinner! 

I can't play long before the tumor at the base of my skull comes to life, sending aches and sharp twinges up and down my spine. This usually happens when I hold my violin for too long, but despite that, I felt eager for the gig and resolved to press through the pain—even if it lasted days after. I'd play, stay the night, and then Mike would bring me to get cancer treatments the next day. (Hey! Anything that distracts from infusions is a big deal.)

"Come sit by us. I insist," the event's organizer said after I'd finished playing. On our trek to her table, she watched several guests compliment my playing, and I felt grateful for their words. I'd initially worried the woman hired me out of pity, but at least she knew people had enjoyed it (hopefully!). The thing is that nobody wants to be pitied. Before the terminal cancer diagnosis, I fiddled with various bands, and I felt so capable. In control... But I avoided playing alone unless hired for a wedding or a funeral. This gig just seemed like an odd fit. Who wants to hear a lone, somber violin at an upbeat business dinner? Maybe she hired me, hoping to help financially without being obvious.

Anyway, after starting on our food, the table's conversation surprised me and Mike. "So what IS happiness, John?" a woman asked, her skin perfectly accented against a tight yellow dress. John took a moment to respond, though, and the woman finally placed her hands together and impatiently clacked her fake red nails. I loved her yellow dress and red nails. She looked darling, even if it was a bit like mustard and ketchup.

"I'm not sure I know what happiness is," he replied. "But I'm saying that America scores pretty low compared to other countries. We've dropped 15%."

"Who's the highest anyway?" She persisted. "Which country is the happiest?"

"I believe it's Denmark," he said.

Ironically, I've looked into this and couldn't help jumping in. "I've been studying happiness too. A report I saw for 2024 said Finland scored the highest, but these reports are all so subjective. I'd love to find out which factors they used in the report you saw." I cleared my throat, suddenly aware that everyone at the table looked at me. It's been a long time since I've been in a work environment like that because I spend most of my days resting at home, hanging out with my family, or getting scans and treatments at the cancer center. "I could see Denmark being the top country, though." I didn't want to discredit what he'd said.

"You've been to Denmark?" Another man speared some lettuce and peered from me to Mike.

"Oh! No. Just pictures. It looks pretty amazing, though."

The event's organizer, Susan, chimed in. "Elisa would be a great person to speak on happiness. She has cancer." She glanced at me as if silently asking to go on. I nodded. "Doctors initially gave her two years to live, but she's lived longer than expected. And she's still somehow remained happy. What would you say your secret is?"

The room closed in on me, and the throbbing in my neck seemed even more prominent. I'm unsure why, but I felt incredibly embarrassed sitting with all these fancy business people. Why had I joined the conversation, and what could I possibly add? Should I say how happiness is so different from joy? 

Happiness is fleeting, ephemeral. But the etymology of "joy" is synonymous with "persevere"! You DECIDE to embrace joy. You VOW to enjoy life. You don't only appreciate things when they're good; you unashamedly embrace gratitude and appreciate everything. It's a way of life.

Mike must've seen my panic because he wiped his mouth and said, "Elisa finds the good in everything. Is that what you'd say your secret is, sweetheart?"

I nodded, so grateful for him. "Actually, yes. I think that's it. Gratitude. For everything. The good and the bad."

John seemed completely lost in thought. "The report that scored Finland highest... Do you know which variables they factored in?"

I took a deep breath and plunged in again. "They asked participants how 'perfect' their lives are. They'd select a number from 1–10, and most people in Finland said '6.'" Mike smiled at me with so much love, always giving me courage and hope. It feels as if he's always proud of me, whether I'm simply making it to treatments or joining unusual dinner conversations. "A different study combined three things: health, income, and equality, but that report said the main factor that impacts happiness is health."

"And you disagree?" the condiment woman said.

"Well, I guess... Maybe I do."

"It all sounds a bit trite to me," she replied. "What is happiness anyway? For me, it's attaining my career goals. If I've reached my goals, I'd say I'm happy. They go hand in hand. But I'm still working on myself. I'm not even a 2 on a scale from 1 to 10. I'm not happy where I'm at. Not yet. So what is happiness to different people? That's the real problem. It's about attaining their own goals. And health would always impact that. It prevents people from reaching their goals. So it should be a main factor."

A man who'd remained quiet suddenly spoke. "We're so different!" he said with a laugh. "You want to climb the ladder, but happiness to me would be retirement. I just want to stop climbing and rest!"

Slowly, the conversation moved to different topics, and I didn't say much afterward. Instead, Mike and I listened to people around us, and we held hands under the table. When I quit working in 2023, I cried, thinking I'd miss the atmosphere, but sitting at that table, I realized I'm grateful for the new season I'm in, even if doctors say it's the Sunday of my life.

A few days later, I shared this conversation with our two youngest kids: Trey (15) and Indy (14). "I think people miss the point," Trey said. "Happiness is looking at the problems you have and fully accepting where you're at and who you are."

Indy nodded. "It's enjoying your life. Enjoying what you have, no matter if it seems good or tough in the moment. We're lucky to even be here."

Trey sighed, obviously thinking deeply. "Mom... It's really hard that you have cancer. When we found out you were sick, that was the worst year of my life," he whispered somberly. "But now we're facing it. We're still together... And we're deciding to be happy despite everything. It's a choice."

I puffed with pride because their answers didn't involve the future or some far-off hope or unattainable dream. Instead, they spoke about living in the present, appreciating what each of us has right now, and being grateful to even be alive.

Top (left to right): Mike and Elisa

Bottom (left to right): Trey, Ruby, Sky, and Indiana

Service Dog: Artemis

A Full-Circle Moment

My grandma always taught me to treat absolutely everyone with respect because you never know what someone else might be going through. When I was 11, my grandparents actually brought me to Hawaii, and when everyone else fell asleep, my grandma decided to take me out so we could see the ladies of the night. I had no idea what these women actually did until my grandma told me. "See her clothes," she said, "she has a good sense of fashion." Then, my grandmother smiled kindly at each woman as they passed and always offered an uplifting word. She gave several of them money, but I honestly think her kindness meant far more than anything else. Some of those women even seemed surprised. Anyway, we didn't return to our hotel room until my grandma and I had counted 100 women that night. Later, the whole thing seemed hilarious as an adult, but I didn't realize until now that my grandma had actually been teaching me an unforgettable lesson.

 

It's been over 30 years since this happened. My grandmother passed away over a decade ago, but I still find so much comfort in these memories. Now, when I'm having tough days fighting cancer, I read inspirational cards she placed in her "happiness file." I pulled one out a couple of years ago and wondered how my grandmother must've felt when she wrote it. "Treat everyone with kindness," the card read, "it really does come back around." 

Whenever I walk toward my main oncologist's clinic, I pass a man who helps with insurance claims. He doesn't appear to have a regular office and instead is tucked away in a dark corner. He faces patients who pass by, but his desk is a bit too far away for us to really say hello. I've seen people awkwardly skirt past, and the man also never looks up. Remembering my grandmother's words, a couple of years ago I decided to walk all the way over to this man's desk to try brightening his afternoon. "Have a wonderful day," I beamed. The poor man appeared visibly shaken, mumbling something as he stared at his computer and went back to work. Instead of quitting there, I vowed to do this every time I walked past—both before and after my visit. After months, he began waving back, always seeming surprised no matter how many times I've done this. I never missed a time, always remembering my grandmother's words: Treat Everyone with Kindness.

This week, though, something changed. I grew so sad, unable to remain happy despite my circumstances. I spent most of the week at the cancer center, growing more and more exhausted. It's just that this whole journey can sometimes feel endless. Anyway, after I left the clinic, preparing to pass the man in the corner, I decided not to say hello. What was the point in always saying hi anyway? He probably didn't even like it. I couldn't stomach this journey anymore. What was the point of anything?

But just as I was about to round the corner without acknowledging him, the man yelled out, "You didn't say hello! So... Hello!" Then he smiled brightly, waving to me with so much animation that a humongous laugh built up inside of me, and I couldn't hold it in anymore. We just smiled at each other so widely. And I'm not quite sure why, but his kindness made my eyes well with tears. That man changed the climate of my entire day, and suddenly my journey felt surmountable again.

It's so funny thinking about my grandma and the lessons she imparted even on the Waikiki strip. Maybe she was right after all.

Keep Looking for the Good, Especially Here

Have you heard of Chinese water torture? An Italian/Chinese psychologist first wrote about this in the 15th century, explaining how a dripping machine would erratically send very cold water onto subjects’ scalps and foreheads over an extended period of time. After a while, those being tortured would mentally deteriorate so fearful of the next drop. This is often how cancer feels. 

I’m currently writing from Utah, missing my family in Idaho because I’ll spend the next few days near the cancer center in another state. I undergo brain imaging every six weeks and get cancer treatments every month. This week I’ll also get a bone infusion—which (to me) is almost as bad as radiation. But what hurts more than anything is time away from my husband and kids. 

Today, before a 60-minute MRI to monitor a certain brain mass (as well as necrosis), I shook on the MRI table. “It’s all begun to feel like too much,” I whispered, but I don’t think the tech heard me. He’d just seen how I quivered like debris at the end of an especially harrowing storm.

“Are you all right?” he asked.

“I used to be brave,” I said. “Before all of this… Before terminal cancer I was different.” But on days like today, it feels like too much. Unless people have been through it themselves, they don’t fully understand. And sometimes, as the person undergoing treatments, it’s easy to lose sight of what makes the bad times better.

“Don’t be embarrassed.” He looked at me with such kindness. “You’re worried because you’re claustrophobic?”

That wasn’t all of it, but… “Yes. I’m claustrophobic.” 

“Over half of the people who come in here are claustrophobic.”

“Are you?” I asked. “You’ve had an MRI?”

“I went in a machine once for training. The tube pushed my arms into my sides, and I hated the mirror on the face cage. You’ve had brain MRIs before, so you know that mirror I’m talking about?”

“Yes. The mirror is the worst!”

“I would’ve preferred just looking at the tube’s ceiling!” he said, and we both broke out laughing. 

Despite previous fears, I’d stopped shaking. It just felt nice being validated by someone who understood. “Can you do me a big favor?” I asked, and the young man quickly agreed. “An hour in that tiny tunnel is a long time. Can you tell me something you’ve learned from working with cancer patients—something I can think about in the machine?” I’ve gotten so philosophical that all I seem to do is think. 

I hate admitting how being alone with my thoughts—especially in MRIs—has become laborious. Or how I’ve talked with several counselors about mortality but even that has become my own brand of Chinese water torture.

“I just finished school. I’m officially a magnetic resonance imaging technologist!” the man gushed, prying me from my thoughts. “I’ve learned so much from cancer patients that now I just want to help them. These MRIs save lives, and now I’m helping save lives too.”

I couldn’t help smiling.

“I think most of us want a chance to help other people. This is my way of doing that.”

“Congratulations. That is so incredible!”

And when I went into the machine and after, I thought about Joel’s words and how he just wants to help people. I guess that really is the gist of what most people want to do with their lives... Simply help.

So, as I prepare for two more days at the cancer center in Utah, it seems a little bit less grueling. I’ve felt myself smiling broadly at strangers in the elevator, and I’ve even started up cheerful conversations with everyone unfortunate enough to cross my path.

Sure my cancer journey might feel like Chinese water torture at times, but “hell” could actually be heaven if you just escaped from the desert. So, it’s all perspective again, and I just need to keep looking for the good, especially here.