The Mighty Oak Tree

I opened my grandma's happiness file, a little box where she'd put her most treasured thoughts, and read words she'd written not long before she died: "Remember the oak tree." 

I racked my brain for what this could possibly mean. Was there some story about oak trees that explained this? My grandma always had so many stories to share: blue birds represent happiness, love is just like a flowing river, bear tracks mean the past will catch up to us… But I couldn't remember anything about oak trees except for what I’ve learned myself. Their roots can be massive—up to three times the size of the trees we see above the ground.

I didn't think about my grandma’s words again until a friend called. She’s in her 40s like I am, and when we talk, the topics range from etymology to daily struggles. Despite that, we rarely talk about her marriage, so when she brought it up, that surprised me.

“We aren’t doing well,” she said. “He keeps saying I can’t relax and enjoy life. He thinks I’m a workaholic. Even when I AM at home though, I guess I do end up pulling out my laptop and trying to finish projects.” She paused momentarily. "I wanted to call you because when you first got diagnosed… When that doctor said you have…” Her voice got much quieter. “Terminal cancer… You said something I'll never forget."

"Oh?"

"You said you wished you would've enjoyed life more and relaxed. You spent so much time climbing the corporate ladder and trying to get raises. All you did was work, Elisa. Everyone knew that.”

"And... I regret it," I said. "I can never get that time back with my family. The best I can do now is appreciate the time I do have." We stayed silent for a moment, and for some reason, I remembered a story she’d told me about her father. At the age of 8, he’d called her “lazy, just like her mother." I didn’t know how to broach this, and the words came out much quieter than I’d anticipated, but I finally said, “I think one of the reasons you work so hard has to do with something your dad said… when you were young?”

“When he called me lazy?”

“Yes." I could hardly believe she'd known exactly what I referred to. "I think that single comment has plagued you for years. But," I sighed, "you have to know it’s the exact opposite of who you are. Everyone can see what a hard worker you are."

“Yet, no matter how much I do, it’s never enough—for me. I’m driving myself crazy.”

As I remembered her father’s words, I started picturing an oak tree. They can be beautiful and impressive—mighty even—but, if unwanted, they can be hard to eradicate because their root systems are so invasive.

I shared these thoughts with her. "We've all heard that warning about negative things taking root in our lives, but really picturing it... wow."

"I agree. But how can we stop letting negative thoughts take control?”

"You know that doctors are still saying melanoma will be the thing to kill me?”

She nodded.

“On some days it can be really hard not getting stuck in negative thought patterns, so I try distracting myself with things that make me happy." I thought for a moment. "For example, my parents recently went to Europe—that’s something my mom wanted her whole life. Anyway, the other day I got scared about my situation, but instead of ruminating, I pulled up pictures of my parents on vacation. After a minute, I couldn't help smiling, just seeing them so happy in front of castles and other landmarks. And before long, I was completely distracted."

"So,” she said after a long while, “we'll both continue to work on this?"

"Absolutely. But… I just want you to know that you ARE enough. Yes, you ARE a hard worker, but more than that you’re an incredible person, and you make other people better just by being around them. That means a lot more than you might realize.”

Her eyes softened, and I knew she’d accepted my words and taken them to heart.

“But as far as I go,” I said. “I need to stop being so scared of death.” I bit my lip and internally vowed to really work on this. “I just hope we'll both be able to appreciate our lives and live in the present."

So, that's what I’ll focus on right now: not letting negativity take hold because simply being alive is such an incredible gift. I guess oak trees can be both good and bad; I should let positivity root itself in my life instead.

I do wonder what my grandma thought as she wrote those words “remember the oak tree.” The cards in her happiness file really have become like notes from Heaven.