What will you do, just to make friends?

    I wanted to be their friends.  Things have been like this for as long as I can remember.  The two women and a lady I call "the Snoot" laughed and talked.  They looked so happy except when they looked at me. I stood next to the car and tried talking to those three ladies.

    But things never go how I hope.  After all, those women are boot wearers.  They look super fancy all the time with perfect hair and nails.  They know how to layer their eye shadow--an art I can only dream of.

    Anyway, I smiled and waved.  Even their body language showed how much they dislike me.

    "This should be a fabulous year," one woman said, putting her back to me.

    I guess that's when my feelings really got hurt.  I refused to give up though, and I thought of how I could make it into their click.

    I'd just read this story in Guideposts:  

Choosing Words to Live By

    There are a few amazing blog posts about it, too, and all of them really spoke to me.  It's about picking a special word for the year, one word to live by.  I turned to those women as they quieted down.

    "I'm excited for this year, too," I said.

    "Oh . . . how nice," one lady said.

    "And I just led a safari in Africa," the Snoot's eyes practically bragged!

    "Anyway, I read a story about how you can pick a special word to live by."  

    They finally turned to me.

    I cleared my throat as if a spotlight shone on my face and I talked into a microphone.  "If you could pick one special word to live by for this year, what would it be?"

    The first woman stood poised.  "I'd pick the word makeup.  This year I've vowed to look my best.  I won't be this young forever and I want to make the most of it and shine while I can."
    "But there are other words.  Comfort.  Kindness.  Hope."
    "No," she said.  "I'd just prefer makeup more than anything."

    O-kay.  I hadn't heard of anyone picking that word yet.

    The other woman nodded.  "That's a good one.  I would pick money.  The one thing that will get me joy this year is making more money and saving it so I can get a big house."

    I cleared my throat.

    "My word," the Snoot said with her nose in the air.  "My word would be motherhood because that's what I emulate every day of my life.  Some people wish they could be more like me, but instead they spend too much time working out, or making money.  They even spend too much time trying to make friends with people who are better than them.  This year I want to be the best mother ever.  Because I know that's what I really am inside."

    Her words were so condescending--so RUDE!  Instead of thinking how much I want to be like them, I kept wondering, how do I always meet such weirdos!

    "And you, what's your name again?" Max Factor asked.

    "Elisa."

    "Elisa, what word . . . would someone like you pick?"

    I thought of last year.  Then, I thought about how much I've changed and how proud I am of that.  "Well, you picked makeup," I pointed.  "You picked money . . . and you picked motherhood."  I closed my eyes, nodded and laughed.  "The word I'm going with.  Well, I guess my word for this moment and this year would have to be bullshit!"

    You should have seen their faces.  I smiled at them before walking away.  I sat in my van, pulled out a paper and wrote.  It was a symbolic piece, something to share another time.  But for today, I thought I'd share my word of the year with you.  I would have picked JOY, but something else slid into it's place for a second.  

    It was probably terrible what I did, but the fact remains, I'm tired of them putting me (and others) down, 'cause they think they're better and that's just a bunch of bull.

Love Sucks a Big, Hairy Eyeball

This morning I received a scathing email from one of my readers, upset that I WAS (did you catch the tense) dating a married man.  Yes, I'm still in love with him.  Does that make me a terrible person?  Maybe.  But the list goes on . . . and apparently I'm here to be transparently honest--to the point of full-on confession!  So--happy freakin' New Year, people--since someone already cast the first stone, how about I throw some for the team?

For the days when you'd just like to jump off a cliff.

Who is EC Stilson?  (yep. that's still me.)

1. I've killed my own child.
2. I've said "yes" to a proposal and then taken off with the ring the next day.
3. I've been the "other woman."
4. I've lied.
5. I've cheated at cards.
6. Once I peed in a church.
7. Once I said "shit" in a church.
8. Once I farted and blamed it on the fat kid next to me (everyone believed the lie.)  **This DID NOT happen in church.**
9. I killed a rabbit--and I would have shot a deer, but none showed up.
10. I got implants and . . . they weren't in my mouth.  (Rachelle21 inspired that line--she's soooooo awesome!)


Wanna cast some more stones?  Go ahead.  How about we examine the list, shall we?

1. I've killed my own child.
Most of you already know this story, but here goes anyway.  
He was on life support.  It was the toughest decision of my life.  So yeah, I was responsible for my own kid's death.  And it was the kindest flippin' thing I could do.  And sometimes I still get choked up about it because he meant the world to me--and I would have given my own life, to give him the ability to breathe as I watched him suffocate for time-on-end.  And STILL people criticize this decision--like they could have done better.

2. I've said "yes" to a proposal and then taken off with the ring the next day. 
It saved us some divorce fees! AND I mailed the ring back a while later.  He probably even made interest on it!

3. I've been the other woman.
I fell in love with someone else going through a divorce, so sue me.  And it was romantic and exciting . . . until I found out his divorce wasn't going through.  Then I nearly died because I'd just gone through so much to feel betrayed and lied to . . . again.
THEN when things went sour, I didn't want to be one of those desperate girls who texts someone constantly, so I took out my OWN cell phone battery, went to the post office and mailed the stupid thing TO MYSELF.  I. Am. Such. An. Idiot.  AND I miss my phone.  The battery was supposed to arrive today, but I think it's lost in Bermuda.  Or maybe it went where all the lost trinkets and socks go?  So now I have a broken heart and I don't even know what time it is--or what precise time my heart fully broke at--who uses a watch when they have a cell anyway!
    And all I want to do is curl into a ball and cry on my un-vacuumed carpet (why doesn't it just vacuum itself--I'm at the end of my rope!) as I try forgetting the rude emails I got today about the sin of "dating a married man."  
    Okay--I suck.  Thank you!

4. I've lied.
A lot, but not on this blog. NEVER on this blog. *winks

5. I've cheated at cards.
Suckers! Wait, then why did I still end up losing . . . *facepalm

6. Once I peed in a church.
Have you heard they even have bathrooms in Heaven?

7. Once I said "shit" in a church.
And then Jesus laughed.  And a chorus of angels sang as another angel got her wings . . . and they were brown like goose feathers or . . . .

8. Once I farted and blamed it on the fat kid next to me (everyone believed the lie.)
Wait. . . .  There's no coming back from this one.  Maybe I should friend him on Facebook and send him a giftcard?  Would that atone for the sin?  The card will be from Starbucks and everything!

9. I killed a rabbit--and I would have shot a deer, but none showed up. 
That rabbit will be waiting for me--with a baseball bat--at Heaven's gates.  And the rabbit shalt be ten feet tall.  And it shalt smite me with its laser vision.  (Ya know, like on X-Men.)  And then I wilt know the vengeance of bunnies EVERYWHERE.  Bwa-ha-ha.  
Ummm. . . . 
Sorry I got a bit carried away on this one. . . .

10. (The REAL #10) I left a good friend when he needed me most.
I was scared for my life.  And yet, I will never, ever forgive myself.  We all carry our burdens.  Now you know my biggest ones.

So if anyone else would like to kick me while I'm down, go for it.  

Kick. Kick.  Don't it feel good? . . . Said no one who's currently being kicked.

I know I don't always make the best choices.  And the worst sins are those that hurt others (yep, I got a few of those).  Plus, my stupid excuses won't cover my sins.  I guess that's what Jesus died for.  Maybe it's time for me to pray and buy that one kid a giftcard--just for old time's sake.

Signing off,
The Biggest Sinner on Earth--for the fifth consecutive year in a row--Elisa

From triumph to failure--honestly

This has been the hardest year of my life (only coming in second to the year Zeke died).  But what's funny is that looking back, it's actually been quite amazing as well.

The Triumphs

In January 2013, my 6th book, "How to Avoid Having Sex," was released.

Over the following three months I was interviewed on radio stations across the US ranging anywhere from Florida to California--even being interviewed by the famous host and author Patrick Walters.

Three of my books were turned into audiobooks!

During the summer of 2013: My name/bio was added to wikipedia (see that HERE)!   Two dear blogging friends flew out to see me.   I was also interviewed on a large local television program (watch that interview HERE).    Wayman Publishing grew more than we'd imagined--and I thanked God for everything!        

But then my life changed...

 

The Failures 

In August 2013 it became very apparent that I needed to get divorced. That same month I had to stay in a women's shelter.  There weren't enough beds for myself and the children, so I slept on the floor. The experience--AND THE PEOPLE STAYING THERE--were . . . life-changing. In September, I had left the shelter and started interviewing for work like crazy. Despite my twig-like size, I ended up getting a job as a security guard of all things.  In October, I got implants.  Yes, I'm flippin' honest! In November, I fell completely head-over-heels in love with someone else going through a divorce. The day before Thanksgiving, my divorce became official.  While the man I love . . . is still married.  In December Wayman Publishing went out of business.  But was able to finish one last project:       And even though this might sound like a breeze to some people, I still cry sometimes.  When I'm working, I miss being with my kids.  I miss the comfort that comes from being married to someone who knows EVERYTHING about me as I know EVERYTHING about him. And it really isn't as easy as I'd hoped.   But I have something awesome to tell you:     I've learned so much from these hard times.    The women's shelter taught me once again to have compassion for those in need.  Those women did everything they could to make me and my four children feel at peace.  The women there faced such horrific struggles: Some had just come in off the street.  Others were escaping scary relationships.   And yet we worked together, to make things easier for each other.  I've never known such a sisterhood, made completely from strangers who felt like family.
Working as a security guard taught me the joy of making new friends.  My co-workers at that job make life shine for everyone around them.  They selflessly listened to my stupid problems, rarely passing judgement and always saying things that brought a smile to my face.   Falling in love again taught me that although I'm thirty, I'm not really that old.  Life can still be exciting and fun--if we decide for it to be that way especially for ourselves (and in my case my children).   So honestly, this year has sucked.  But in retrospect, it's also been one of the most amazing years of my life.   I've grown tremendously.   We all make mistakes.   We ALL have struggles.   Life is about living and learning--and that's what 2013 really embodies for me. I know I'll keep making mistakes.  But as long as I stay strong for my kids and keep learning through all of this, I figure it'll all be okay.  

Signing off,
Elisa
(Like my blog's name implies, this really is the crazy life of a writing mom!)